P.R.N

26

An apathetic person is someone who shows no hint of interest, enthusiasm, and concern. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, is showing apathy my façade?

I am completely aware that my walls are too high and i'm not the easiest person to read. I'm never understood, unless someone pays attention.

I question myself a little too much until it slowly sinked in that... maybe my walls are too high because I don't want people to see the problem in me— a problem that shouldn't even be there.

What problem can I possibly encounter, right? I was raised by good people in a good environment. They've been very supportive of me and they never pressured me. I have a good sister who loves me dearly. I was raised being so loved and validated.

I grew up being so used to the love, adoration, and appreciation.

And that's the problem.

I am so used to receiving it that it made me fear losing it. I'm afraid of disappointments because I grew up without ever disappointing the people that I love— or maybe they just didn't let me see it.

My parents sheltered me from cruelty and pain that I became afraid of it. I became unaware. I fail to recognize and describe my emotions properly. I fail to differentiate how it feels to be uncomfortable and how it feels to have my heart broken.

After two hours of crying inside the bathroom, I ended up laying on my bed— staring at the ceiling.

The tears stopped.

My chest still tightening.

It's still heavy.

It's still hurting.

How do people get rid of this?

My phone suddenly beeped. My brows furrowed when I read a text from Papa.

From: Pa

Open your door whenever you're ready, Doc. Papa's here.

I pushed myself up to open the door for Papa. He was really there holding a tray with food. I bit my lips when I suddenly felt an urge to cry again. He has always been there for me— whenever I need him and whenever I don't. He's always there.

"You didn't eat." He said.

Binuksan ko nang malaki ang pinto para makapasok si Papa.

Nilapag niya sa side table yung dala niyang pagkain.

I went back to my bed. I sat at the edge, and dropped my vision on the floor.

He went to me and kneeled to see my face. I felt him wiping the tears in my cheeks— I didn't realize that I was already crying.

I looked at the first man in my life. The man who never made me feel less. The man who never made me cry.

"You'll be more upset if I tell you that I'm mad at him." He stated.

I slowly nodded. "But I am." He said.

"It's not his fault."

"Doc, whose fault it is doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is that you were hurt." His voice was calm but I knew he was mad. "Someone made you cry... that's something I can't... accept."

"Please don't be mad, Pa." I muttered. "It's okay..."

"How can you say that when you're not?"

"It's my fault." I said. "I'm just really stressed out because finals week is coming. I was just too sensitive. It's on me, Pa."

"Pa, baka sakitan ka ng tuhod." Sabi ko dahil nakaluhod pa rin siya sa harapan ko hanggang ngayon.

"Doc, do you know why I'm mad?" He sighed. "I'm mad because I know you love him and I know exactly what you are when you love."