A stranger's journal.

Numb.

I remember the days I was happy. Days I used to say I'm depressed.

I remember those days when I had to lock myself in the bathroom to have a breakdown in the middle of the day. Those days where I used to hold a knife at 3am wondering if I should do it.

Those days when I had tears running down my cheeks for one reason or another. Days I was depressed, when I was at my lowest and no one was there to help me. When I was 15.

I'm 16 now. Just a year later. I stopped holding a knife at 3am to holding a razor to punish myself. I've had one breakdown this year and I'm certain it wasn't enough.

I have accepted fate. I have accepted no one will help me, no knight in shining armor to save this damsel in distress. I have waited and waited for someone to see right through me.

I have waited for someone to come and hug me and tell me it is alright. But not even the one who calls themselves my best friend has seen. Not even the people who have watched me grow. No one I've grown up with has realized.

I have learnt that everyone is selfish. Everyone says their more depressed than you, so they tell - you listen. They vent - you help. It doesn't matter if you are dying inside as long as they are okay. An old saying I heard said, All sins are the same.

I talked to my best friend once about it and she promised to listen. She promised she'll always ask if I'm okay, she said she'll always listen.

But I was a step ahead, I always expect the worse.

No hellos. No how are you doings. No are you okays. None until I ask first, and we always end up talking about her.

I have no more tears to cry. I have so many reasons to end it all but I still can't do it. You can say I'm alive today because of my mom, but what if she leaves me like everyone else.

Will I still have a reason to live?

No.

But I still know, down to the bone that I will never be able to end this life that God gave me.

So now I hope some accident happens to me. I put myself in situations where someone else can do it for me.

And I still hold on to the hope that humans can die from a broken heart.

I have trusted so many people, yet, they still let me down. My heart has been broken for too long, I'm just waiting for my body to realize and shut down.