A stranger's journal.

Raison d'être.

I remember when i was at my lowest. 

The coronavirus quarantine, 2020.

In the beginning of that year, my parents had just separated and i was living a new life with my mom. I was living in this small apartment with me, my brother and my mom and later my alcoholic older brother and toxic cousin. It was a two bedroom house so it wasn't that cozy. Also the fact my older sister and boyfriend were living right below us and were literally leaching from my mom.

When my cousin was there, she wasn't the best person to be with. I would often get into arguments with my brothers and she was always on their side. Everyone was practically against me in that house. It was heartbreaking, to deal with all of it. Hence the many breakdowns.

I would lock myself in the bathroom, since it was the only place i could be alone, turn the shower on and cry. I would cry so much my eyes were red and my face was all puffy. The things they all said to me, and the fact that my parents had just separated and neither had time for us was terrible.

That year was also the year i was to start high school. In my country, you never go with your middle school classmates to the same high school. We were all separated into different schools round the country, most of which were boarding schools. My mom took me to a private school. 

I went through 3 different schools before the virus lockdown. My first school, no one really liked me and called me snobbish since it was a public school. The second i was bullied because i was 'fat'. And the third one, they never really accepted me, they would leave me out and ignore me for the weeks i was there.

My old friends where then in boarding school, so i completely lost connection with them. I had no friends or family to confide in. After me refusing three schools, i wasn't learning throughout the 7 month quarantine because i wasn't admitted to any school.

Because of this, i was idle. And you know the saying, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

I started binge eating and sleeping late, and waking up late, ate too much and cried on a daily basis. The whole cycle.

One time my mom took me to the hospital for something, and they checked my weight. It had increased so much my mom said she'll put me on a diet.

Because of that, and the fact when my dad visited he called me fat because i am living with my mom, i started doing exercises. They didn't work. It was actually very embarrassing.

I then cried about it and all my other problems. I eventually became suicidal. 

I also lost connection with God after i started doing a certain sinful act.

Everyday at night, i would hold a knife and stare at it for more than an hour crying. I would ask myself if should i just do it. 

I would hold the knife to my neck, side or wrists and dare myself to do it. But something always stops me. There is something always holding me back and i never knew what it was. All i know its the reason i am alive today. My raison d'être.

So instead of trying to unalive myself, i went to the easiest solution.

Self - harm. very influenced by 13rw.

It started with paper cuts from foil paper, cardboard or those medicine things that hold tablets. I won't say other stuff because  i don't think i am allowed?

All in all it was bad.

I still haven't stopped to today. I think its become an addiction now because i feel the need to be punished for other people's mistakes. Its because of me they do those things to me. I feel like i am to blame.

But i can say, i have stopped cutting to letting my dog bite me or hold a matchstick until the fire reaches my finger tips. Small everyday things that no one will notice.

And no one has.

Life is hard. Very hard when your living in such a world. But i don't think it makes it okay to hurt ourselves.

I hate self-harming, but i think its an alternative to suicide. We will eventually stop once we realize how bad it has become. 

If you think of it, God didn't give you such an amazing body so why would you could ruin  it with scars.

We need to stop hurting ourselves, if not for God, for your soulmate or partner, for your children or pets. Or better yet for you, because you want to start to be the best version of yourself. One that someone will relate to and admire.

Self-harming or suicide is never the answer. If there is no one to help you, or you don't trust anyone to let them in. Help yourself. You can't always be the damsel in distress. I think its time to stop waiting for your knight in shining armor and save yourself, they might never come.

My last advice, find your raison d'être. Find your reason for living despite all the challenges the world throws at you.