A stranger's journal.

Defeated.

I don't think I can go on anymore.

I thought things will get better this year, that I can finally be set free. I thought that someone will finally come to my rescue.

I thought.... it was finally over. The pain, the anger, the disappointment.

My body is no longer mine to control, I am starting to see a certain darkness in me and I'm scared. Many have pointed out my cruelty, my bitter judgement and my negativity. I am no longer a good influence on others, I can no longer pretend to be a good person.

I remember one day, a few years ago. It was a Sunday afternoon, a bright and hot afternoon. I was sleeping on my mother's lap without a care in my mind. Those days I was happy, I was walking down the right path with God. Everything was good.

However, the old me, the darkness I once had was threatening to come out. I called it my own personal hell, sleep paralysis.

That afternoon, unfortunately I got a sleep paralysis event. It was far different than what I was used to. I was staring at the curtain and a black shadow formed on it. It was a huge one, and it was laughing.

I am very religious. I somewhat knew it was the devil. I did not understand why he was laughing at me and the very most why he came to visit me knowing that I was with God.

The devil was laughing, so proud. I remember the words he told me, one's that I did not believe, it said, "You think you're going to be like this forever. You belong to me! You're under my control! You will never escape my shackles. If you think God will protect you, you will be waiting for a long time, i know you will come back crawling sooner or later."

It was a nightmare. One I am now living.

It is ironic how the demons stopped haunting me when I am in the dark but can't seem to leave me alone when I am in the light. I guess part of me grew weak too soon out of fear of the known, I needed sleep, the demons took over my dreams at night and the only way I could stop them is not sleep at all or join the dark side.

I have now fallen too deep. No one still knows the secrets I hide within and I pray they will never get to find out. I feel like God is telling me 'I told you so' because I did no listen and now I depressed.

I have no idea why I am writing all this shit, I know it helped no one cause it certainly didn't help me. This is usually the part where I tell you all goodbye and go kms but I can't because I am too of a coward and weakling to do so, so don't worry about me. If I could I would. I have now accepted my fate and even though I won't directly kill my self, I know a certain disease will overcome me and do it for me, which I sometimes hope. 

Till then my only friends, I'll tell you all about it when I get better. Signing off on the 18th of February 2022 at 3:21am. Keep safe and Don't die.

FML