A stranger's journal.

Men.

I am one of those people who never had a boyfriend.

I could say I need a boyfriend. Not to be cute and call each other nicknames or kiss each other or have sex.

I need a boyfriend so I could call him in the middle of the night when I'm at my lowest. I want a boyfriend to hold me and tell me the world is shitty but we need to keep on trying. I need a boyfriend who knows everything about me and is ready to take away anything or anyone who makes me feel like I'm not enough.

At the same time, I want a boyfriend so I can prove something. I want to prove that I can be liked by someone enough for them to date me. I want to prove that I am also capable of loving and to be loved.

I've gone through having best friends. You know someone who knows you in a different way than what others know you. Someone who knows your secrets and you hidden personalities. Someone who understands you.

I need someone to see me in a different and unique way than how I and others see me. If I can't get that from a close friend why not a boyfriend?

I'm also those girls who plan on staying a virgin until I find the one, my future husband.

I'm scared that when I'm older, when I'm in my 20s or 30s I'll have a problem finding a partner because of this.

I am barely an adult and so many boys have rejected me because I don't want to send them nudes or have sex with them.

I guess you can call me a prude, Jesus knows I haven't had my first kiss yet.

Is it wrong for me to just want a boyfriend who is your best friend? Gives you kisses and hugs from behind. Buys you a single red rose just because and gives you morning and night texts and not ask for anything in return other than your love for them.

A boyfriend who isn't afraid to cry Infront of you and tell you their problems. One who we can stay up all night watching movies, play board games or have a spa day together. Someone just to chill with and be each other's therapist.

I might be overreacting, and maybe your right.

But I overhear some guys in my school talking about girls like some trophies. My childhood friend who I know is good is playing over 5 girls at the same time. I know some boys use girls for one reason or another, and once you have fulfilled your use, are you not worthy then?

Because of such boys, when I find someone who truly likes me for all good reasons, I tend to doubt their feelings and ask them to prove it.

(A bit picky I know)

But it's the only way because I could trust you and you end up breaking my heart.

That is why I sometimes break their heart before they break mine.

Boyfriends, something I think I need but to scared to find it.

I am too young to be stressing on boyfriends, some of my friends have already popped their cherries and have had over 10 boyfriends.

I'm here, feeling and looking like shit.

I want someone to look at me and call me beautiful. Someone to tell me I'm a masterpiece and wants to show the world that were together, that I am his.

Maybe I can stay in the safe zone and save me the heartbreak and stay single until I God says it's time. But if self-love and friends is what single life is all about, then I hardly qualify.

Let's not even talk about Sexual Assault. I am so sorry to anyone who has gone through this, it must be the most heartbreaking thing to have happened to you and I cannot imagine what you have gone through.

I cannot sit next to an older guy without keeping my distance. I feel like when I am in public or anywhere for that matter, I need to have a weapon or something so I can feel safe.

I am scared shitless of being raped, sometimes I even start to doubt my brothers and any other male relative.

In this world trust is not easily earned, even If you are close with someone, they can turn on you in a snap.

To whoever is reading this, I do not know what to do with relationships. I have no idea how to deal with boys, feel free to leave some tips.

*Sorry for anyone's trigger warning of S/A. Again, I am sorry this has happened to you. If you haven't told anyone yet, I suggest you do. I know it must be a hard thing to do, but the culprit must be stopped from doing this to you again or others. Start by telling a close friend, or go to those report websites. Do not be scared of victim blaming, trust me most of us are on your side. I wish you all the best. *