A stranger's journal.

Breakdowns.

Do any of you ever get that feeling like something is clenching your heart?

Its probably anxiety - I feel scared that something bad is about to happen.

This year 2021, I have only had one breakdown. I haven't cried when something bad happens. I haven't cried when someone demolishes me. I haven't cried a single drop despite having to hold everything in this year.

The past few days, I can say confidently my schedule hasn't changed. It's not a healthy routine, but its is still the same. I sleep late, at 4am sometimes 8am. I wake up in the afternoon, feeling lazy and irritated. It's the holiday, so why not before I go back to my usual school routine.

But lately I feel more tired and energetic at the same time.

During the night, when everyone is asleep, I do my usual, watch my tv shows, play video games or just scroll on tiktok or something. But the last few days, I don't feel focused.

I can barely understand whats going on in a show or movie, I can't concentrate while playing video games and loose each and every time. My mind is just out of it. At first, I thought it was lack of sleep, but I am getting my 6-8 hours in just different times than others.

This went on for about 4 days.

Today, as I write this. Something is holding my heart, and it is not being gentle. It feels like its squeezing so hard that it's about to explode.

As I was playing a certain game, I started thinking about school. How I am opening in less than a week. How I haven't touched my books and have no idea how much homework I have. Then I remembered I was already so far behind in all my classes before school closed.

Then the exams and tests. Everything seemed to be going on so fast.

Then everything bad and depressing that had happened to me this year all started reviling itself. Every single comment made about me, every person that looked down on me. Every heartbreak I had. All of it washed over me and I was about to cry. But I didn't.

Then I started realizing how much of a bad person I am. I am so ungrateful, so disobedient, so mean and rude. I am a terrible person. My dog barks at me every time we meet, even she knows it.

Every time I think of such stuff, my heart is clenches even tighter. I feel tears are about to come out but they don't. Only pain in my heart is felt.

Crying everything out hurts. Holding it all hurts even more.

I am now fully aware my mental and emotional breakdown is about to happen. It will happen soon and I know I won't be able to hold it in.

I am also aware that this time, no one will be there to be my shoulder to cry on. No one will be there to hug me and tell me its okay.

No one will be there for me. I just know it.