A stranger's journal.

Lovesick.

When you see him, your heart flutters and jumps a beat.

When they say his name, a smile forms on your lips and your cheeks turn red.

When you catch him staring at you, your whole world brightens up again.

I have a crush on this guy and i don't like it. 

His a popular kid for that matter. Tall with curly hair. Hangs out with 'the boys' and all the girls drool over him. Plays basketball and an A+ student. 

He has so many options to chose from, why would he waste his time on me?

Its his fault I'm like this. I can't eat, I can't sleep, he is all that I think of. I can't concentrate in class, always watching the door hoping he would pass by.

It's his fault I am falling for a stranger. His fault because he is the one who started this. Talking to me suddenly, his eyes never leaving mine, sitting next to me and making it feel perfect. Like two pieces of a puzzle connected again.

But again, its his fault that it hurts like this. He plays with other girls, laughs with them and  barely noticing me.

I do my hair, groom my clothes add a little gloss all for him, and I still wonder if he notices.

Sometime I am the only person in his world, and other times I am just a person in his world.

Giving me mixed signals and I am left clueless not knowing which move to make.

This little crush was supposed to end long ago. I never meant for it to get this serious. He will now be another failed love with a special spot in my heart. Because I know, this little game of ours will not end well.

I will think of him in the future and my lips will smile but my heart will sink. He will be a memory that will always replay itself in my mind, a bad memory I cannot get rid of.

But a little flame still burns on the candle. A spark of hope that this might end differently. That this time I will get the boy of my dreams (literally).

Hope is the only thing keeping him in my life. The only reason his the only one i think about.

Update (2nd day after writing this):

I remember a certain affirmation after today, I don't chase I attract, what belongs to me will simply come to me. You probably heard it on tiktok.

I forgot that certain statement earlier today. 

My crush and I are in the same neighborhood. I know he comes outside once in a while to play basketball at the neighborhood court a=but i don't know the exact times.

So i had planned to meet him 'coincidentally'. I went outside at 11am but he wasn't there. I went back home disappointed. I had wasted my time and energy to do that since it was a long way there, so foolish of me.

In the afternoon it rained and a blackout happened. 

After the rain stopped, at 6pm, the lights still hadn't come back and I went for a semi-walk with my brother. I suggested we stop by at the court just so i could see him by chance.

At this point the sun had set and the lights were still gone - full blackout.

When we reached the basketball court, I saw a silhouette similar to his and though it was him. So i told my brother to cover for me since our parents were home so i could talk to my crush.

And he left.

I stayed back, at 7PM,during a blackout, with out protection, surrounded by men who call themselves guards and a boy i wasn't sure was the one i knew because i could barely see. And also the fact that i was an exposed teenage girl alone in the middle of the night.

For the next 10 minutes I texted my bestie asking her what i should say and how I could start the conversation. I was a nervous wreck.

It was very chilly cause it rained earlier and it started drizzling. 'My crush' took his bike and left.

I decided to also go back home, but after he left I realized how delusional I was. It was darker than it was before and my parents rang my phone a million times. 

This night, I know something bad could have happened. I am still not sure if it was my crush i was running after but what I know, whoever it was blinded me and I could not see the danger right in front of me.

I reached home safely, got grounded and had a long ass lecture and was given extra chores to do.

I guess this experience of less than an hour taught me so much and gave me a peek at my future.

Love makes you blind.

I was chasing after a stranger without thinking twice. I made my family worry for me and lied to them to cover my whole crush scenario.

I asked God to give me a sign whether I should proceed my iwanthimtobemyboyfriend affair or leave him be. Because of him, God knows what would have happened to me. 

From now on, I will no longer chase or force love that wasn't meant to be. If it was really love, If we were really meant to be, all this would be effortless.