Darling || h.s. au {Completed}

T h i r t y O n e

I sit cross legged across from Drew, she stares down, messing with her hands in her lap. I swallow and let my hand reach for hers. She jerks it away.

"Just because I'm here, doesn't mean I forgive you."

We sit on my old couch, sinking into the fabric like it was quicksand. I nod and cross my arms, puffing air from my cheeks.

"I know that I shouldn't have said that." I admit, referring to the 'I love you'.

She mumbles something sounding like a yeah, but I continue.

"I uh, I saw my dad."

She looks up, but with a confused expression, and she shrugs. I realize I had never told her what happened and why I hate him. In fact, I don't think I've ever told her anything about my childhood except for the fact that I don't talk to my parents. Or that Gemma died. She doesn't know what happened to me. She doesn't know what happened to Gem. She doesn't even know that Gem committed suicide.

Should I tell her?

Maybe I finally have the reason to. If I love her, then she should know more about me. But do I really love her? It could have been the adrenaline and hurt and disappointment and anger pulsing through my veins that made me think I loved her, when in reality, I just needed her. But isn't that what love is?

Needing someone when you have no one.

That could be the key, why I feel like I love her. She's the only person in my life at the moment. Liam's gone, Gemma's gone, my mother can't bear me because of someone else's account of what I 'did', and I can't stand my father. Maybe I'm not in love with her, maybe I'm just weak.

"He's a bad man, really bad." I say, a sniffle following.

"How so?"

I don't look up from where my eyes are locked on a dark stain, I pick at the dry patch, forgetting what I had said.

"Look, either you can tell me or I can leave." she threatens.

My mouth twitches in anger and I stand up, walking over to the counter and leaning on it by my elbows. I stare at the dirty white fridge and sigh loudly, running my hands over my face. I hear shuffling.

"I knew I shouldn't have-" she starts.

Then I let go. I relax my neck and let my forehead collide with the counter, letting out a loud bang. My shoulders shake and my knees go weak, soon, I'm on the floor. I sit on my knees, holding my body weight up with my palms. My arms shake and shiver, my sobs are loud. I feel a warmth on my back, right between my shoulder blades.

"What happened to you?" she asks in a soft, tender voice that somehow overpowers my own.

The way she asked, she didn't sound judgmental or teasing. She sounded generally concerned. She sounded shocked, scared. I close my mouth to contain the hiccup-like breaths escaping my mouth. I push myself over so I'm sitting with my knees against my chest, my arms tightly constricting them. I lean against the counter and lower my head. I feel Drew's arm slowly inch around the small of my back, tightly but comfortingly, grasping my side.

I lean my head on hers and sink down so it's on her shoulder. Her other hand protectively goes to the side of my head and she strokes my hair. I code my eyes and hold in my breath. Whenever I can't speak, this is what I do. I hold my breath until I feel my lungs start to burn and I wait for the exact moment oxygen is absolutely necessary. Then I can breathe, so I can talk.

"He raped her, every day. I could hear her, crying, shouting for help." I hiccup and pic my dry lips, tasting the iron filled tears that have travelled down my face. "I would bang on the door until my knuckles bled, and then I would keep knocking. He would just laugh, and laugh, and laugh."

I want to cry again, but I take a deep, shaky breath and continue.

"After a while, I found out she was cutting. She told me not to tell, so I didn't. But I should have. I should have told mum, I just wanted my sister back."

I sniffle loudly and wipe away the tears with the palm of my hand.

"I found her. I found her and I died a little, a lot inside. Whoever I was before that, just left. Then I became who I am. He left, mum got depressed, I was afraid she was going to kill herself too. I started selling drugs, to buy everything. Then, one day, I uh, I..."

I pause, my eyes stinging as I stare forward. Drew's soft hand intertwines with mine in my lap and she laces her fingers with mine. She raises both our hands and uses her thumb to wipe away the wet trails down my cheeks.

"Go on." she whispers.

"I left. I left her all alone. And I became this."

I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off of my chest now, allowing me to breathe. I heave my chest, taking in as much oxygen as I can through my mouth and my nose at the same time. It feels nice to able to breathe again.

"I'm sorry." she says, her eyes pouring into mine.

"Yeah, so am I."

I close my eyes, but feel her body move. Her lips connect with mine softly, cautiously. I kiss back, my eyes closed and my free hand softly grasping her hip. Her hand let's go of mine, leaving the cold to hit it in the absence of hers. Her soft fingers stroke my neck, moving towards the back and up, running through my hair. I let my other hand touch her side, slowly rising up her shirt.

When I feel like she's about to pull back and yell at me or slap me, she grips my wrist. I open my eyes just enough to see everything blurred, I feel her soft skin graze against my rough palm as she guides it. My hand moves up her waist, then her stomach, she stops right as I feel the fabric of her bra against my fingertips. She lets go and I take it as my cue to go on by myself.

I move my hand up and gently cup her in my hand, tracing the bra strap with my middle finger. She sighs contently through her nostrils and pulls her lips back, resting her forehead against mine. I see that her eyes are still closed, she pulls her lip between her teeth and gulps. My hands travel to her back and I gently touch her bra strap. She breathes deeply and pulls the hem of her shirt over her head, flicking it to the side.

I undo the clip.