Surviving the truth

18| what does this mean?

I'm not going to lie.

It's been hard not mounting Derek in my house and have sex with him. I haven't had sex in over a year, and I'm horny and I'm surprised I haven't slipped, knowing there's a sexy unmarried, single man sleeping just two doors down from me. I could have easily slipped and ended up naked in his bed multiple of times. Have I, though?

No.

I was back at work, and god, my interns really know how to make me want to kill them. They're worse than Emma, and she's a baby so that says a lot.

I was in one of my patients' room prepping her for surgery to remove a tumor that I'll be doing with Dr. Bailey. My patient's sister continued to ask me questions about the surgery and her sister's cancer, and I could tell from my patient's facial expressions she was getting very annoyed at it. She eventually told her sister to call their parents back to tell them everything I told them.

"My sister is only capable to talk about cancer, and that's worse than having cancer." Shelly, my patient, said. "So I know I don't know you, but spill."

I looked up from the paperwork when she said that. "Spill what?"

"Anything, I'm begging you; before she comes back and asks you to describe my liver cell by cell. Please."

"Okay, well um... Do you want to hear about my stupid boss or my stupid ex-boyfriend?"

"Uh, ex-boyfriend." She sat up straighter in the bed. "Definitely the ex-boyfriend."

I smiled. "Well first I should tell you that my stupid ex-boyfriend is also one of my stupid bosses, plus my baby's father, and he lives with me. But that isn't even the best part of the whole thing, he was secretly married when I got pregnant with our daughter."

"No way."

"Yes."

I don't even know why I'm spilling my guts out to my patient, but I began from the very beginning to where we are today; Derek's wants a relationship and I don't know if I trust him quite yet.

On our way to the elevator to take her up to surgery, I saw Derek walking down the hallway. "Heads up. Twelve O'clock." Derek smiled and said hi to me as he passed us and I said hi back.

"Uh, you failed to mention the hair." Shelly said.

"Yeah, yeah, the hair. It's one of the many things that do make me happy when I don't hate him."

When lunch came, I went into the cafeteria and sat down with Cristina. I sighed as I angrily tossed a french fry into my mouth. "I hate it when I have a patient I like who's going to die, and I hate Derek."

"Hey, can I sit here?" Lexie asked, placing her tray of food down in front of me.

"No." Cristina answered. "She stole my patient, Mer. She's my intern, and she stole my patient."

"I'm afraid I'm going to mount Derek when I get home." I said. "I hate him for making me feel the way I do."

"It means you love him!" Lexie said. "It's cute and sweet and Emma deserves you both together, especially since you love each other."

"You're like a hopeless romantic, aren't you?" Cristina asked.

"I am!"

"Oh look, another thing we're different at." I tossed another french fry in my mouth.

"Thank god for that. Honestly, we'd probably wouldn't be friends if you were one." Cristina said. "Two Izzie's in my life is not necessary."

"Guys." I whined. "Tell me what to do so I don't sleep with Derek."