Surviving the truth

19| stormy night

Derek and I stayed home from work today because of a apparent super storm that would be souring through most of Washington. I would had much rather been at the hospital because of the possible great surgeries the storm would cause, but it probably was best to be with Emma in the comfort of my home. So now I was stuck in a house with Derek Shepherd, and he'll probably make me talk to him about our feelings toward each other since I've been able to avoid it for a week. There's no way in hell I can avoid that conversation now.

I had made a fire in the fire place earlier in the day, and I was sitting in front of it on the floor watching Emma play with her toys. I heard in my front door open and close followed by Derek's voice.

"You don't understand how crazy it is out there, Meredith." Derek entered the living room pretty wet carrying a bag of groceries. "People don't know how to drive in this weather. It's good you didn't go into the hospital today." He took his jacket off and laid it on the arm of the couch. Derek walked over to where Emma and I were and crouched down in front of our daughter. "How are you?"

Emma babbled and smiled at him. "She's perfect as you can see." I answered. "She did have a poop explosion not too long ago; that wasn't fun, but she thought it was hilarious. She must be your daughter after all."

Derek smiled. "So how are you?" He asked me. Derek laughed at me when I gave him an annoyed expression on my face. "Not good?"

"I had to clean your daughter's poop explosion."

"So it's stormy out. What should we do? Watch a movie?" Derek suggested. "We could just talk too. Talking could be fun. I think we have a lot to talk about, and what's more of a perfect time than in the middle of a super storm?"

"You want to talk about the other night." I concluded.

"We should. It meant something."

"Fine, let's talk. I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you, but I did, and now I have the fear you'll do the same exact thing, except with a different woman who comes along, just like my father did."

"Meredith, you don't need to worry about that fear." Derek said. "I love you and I love our family. I want to marry you; have more kids and grow old with you. More importantly, I want to die when I'm one hundred in your arms. I'm not going to leave you again, Meredith, don't you see? I love you more than you can imagine."

"I love you too Derek, but you've said all these things before and-"

"Don't let my pass stupidity keep us apart."

Damn it.

Derek is giving me his McDreamy look I can't handle. If Emma wasn't in the room playing, I'd probably just mount him right here and right now. I'm not sure if it was by luck or what, but our power suddenly went out. Actually, now that I think about it, this is probably worse, because the fire in the fireplace makes this whole moment more romantic.

"Meredith." Derek tilted his head as he crest my cheek with his hand.

I dropped my gaze when I heard Emma say mama and she had crawled over to me holding her arms up for me to pick her up. I sighed and sat her down on my lap. "What do you think, Emma? Should I give daddy a second chance?"

We must have fallen asleep together because when I woke up, I found Emma laying between me and Derek on the floor in front of the fireplace as the fire died down. Derek had his arm wrapped around us, with a blanket on top of us, and I didn't want to move.

This felt perfect; felt right like it was meant to be.

I went back to sleep, but was woken back up a couple of hours later by the sound of Derek's pager. I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes. "What time is it?"

Derek looked at the watch on his wrist. "A little past five."

"Are you leaving?"

"I'll be back." He promised, kissing me on my forehead and on my lips. "I love you."

"When you get back, you need to shave. Your face is pokey; I don't like it."

"Go back to sleep."

I laid back down and slowly closed my eyes. I only wished Derek didn't have to go.

I was able to get two more hours of sleep before I was paged to the hospital. It wasn't a 911, so I didn't rush, but I have been able to leave the house within thirty minutes after a page if I'm unable to leave Emma with Derek. I didn't feed Emma because of lack of time, but I figured the daycare can feed her.

Does that make me a bad mother; not feeding my daughter before we leave the house?

I dropped Emma off at the daycare and told one of the workers to feed her. I then went up to the resident lounge so I could change into my scrubs. As I was walking out, I was paged to the Chief's office. I sighed because I didn't want to talk to him, but I went on my way.

"Yes, Chief?" I asked as I entered his office. "You wanted to see me?"

"Meredith, take a seat." He stood up from his desk as he said that. "There's been an accident."

My mother was my immediate thought. Something happened to my mother. But it wasn't mother. It wasn't Lexie, either. Definitely not Cristina or one of my other friends.

It was Derek.

"A tree fell while he was driving to the hospital. He's in critical condition; currently in surgery. Dr. Burke and Dr. Michaels are working on him, and I'll join them shortly."

I swallowed, doing my best at not making eye contact. If I made eye contact I was for sure to cry. "Will he be okay; you said he's critical?"

"His injuries are critical, but we hope he'll stabilize once we fix his injuries." The Chief said. "It's not necessary for you to work today, Meredith, if you'd rather just wait and-"

"No. I won't be able to survive if I'd have to wait... Work will distract me until he's out."

The Chief nodded. "Very well, Meredith. Just don't push yourself too hard today. I know this situation must not be easy."

I looked up at him, finally gaining control over my emotions. "It's not, but I'll be fine. I'm um... I'll be fine." I left his office, but I found myself going into a supply closet and falling to the floor bursting into tears.

Derek; he could die. Richard didn't dare to say that, but we all know what critical means. And I just decided to choose him too; give him another chance, and now he could die.

No, Meredith, he won't die. Derek won't die because he's Derek. He's strong and will fight his way to recovery. Derek promised he'd be back, and he'v been good at keeping his promises.

I keep telling myself Derek will be fine, and I have to truly force myself to believe this even though it's hard.

I was paged to room 324 two hours later. When I got to the room, I found that it's Derek's room. He was laying asleep in bed hooked to many machines. The chief was in the room with one nurse.

"How is he?" I immediately asked.

"He'll be fine, Meredith." The Chief smiled. "Derek will be fine. He should wake up soon; be in some pain. You should be the one to tell him what happened."

I approached the bed and placed my hand on top of his. "Thanks Chief."

Richard left and I was left alone in Derek's room. I held his hand and was waiting patiently until he woke up, whenever that would be. I slid myself onto the side of the bed and gently wrapped my arm around him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I love you, Derek." I murmured.