The VIRGIN STRIPPER

60

****Lisa Michaels ****
Apparently,  she couldn't.

She had tried though.

And it felt like I was watching my life get fucked up again from the front row.

And it didn't feel nice.

Felt like I was walking and rolling on glass shards both barefoot and naked.

I had lost yet again.

The sob that escaped me as I watched Edith  cry painfully in her husbands arms was involuntary.

My uncle looked like he could have had better days himself.

When the nurse broke the news to me at the hospital I literally just fell down and cried like a baby and sunk into the wall and regretted never ever knowing.

It was safe to say that I hated myself for not knowing.

I could have been so mad at Ella if she wasn't dead.

From the spot where I stood, looking through the front door of the church, I watched as a woman took my aunt in her arms and dismissed my miserable looking uncle who sat down and buried his face in his hands.

Just a few seats on the left row, Marc sat quietly in his black pants and shirt and watched the casket at the front sadly, eyes unfocused and lips pursed.

If  I had never seen the epitome of a broken man before, he was definitely one.

He looked so disappointed in life that my heart actually ached for him. Too broken to be fixed. Too hurt to be comforted.

As if feeling my eyes on him, he slowly turned and gave me a small sad smile before he stood up and walked away through the exit on the opposite side.

Harris could not make it to Oregon with us but he promised to follow before the burial on Friday.

Who I wasn't expecting to show up though, was the person who held my arm and turned me to his open arms.

I might have convinced myself a lot of times but Dave's cologne made me feel like I was fighting a battle that I could win.

I wasnt safe, I just felt comforted and reassured.

"Have you eaten?" He asked immediately I pulled away.

It had been two days of crying and hugging yet none had asked me that.

It was always an apology for my loss or a condolence or a random comfort gesture that made me jittery. Yet when he asked the simplest question that needed the simplest of answers, I broke down.

"It's okay," he said placing me back in his embrace and I tried not to cry but the harder I tried the harder I cried.

It must have taken a while but I was able to pull myself together enough for him to lead me away from the people who had started to stare.

"You have to eat something, " he coaxed and I only stared through the windshield of his car in the parking lot.

"Not hungry," I managed through my clogged nose and scratchy throat.

"Just a lit-"

"Please!" The tears came again and I felt so stupid. Why was I crying from the simplest things?

"I won't force you," he said gently cupping my face as he looked into my eyes, " I just want you to be okay."

Without saying anything, I pulled away and hugged my knees as I shifted myself on the seat so that I could bury my head in between my knees.

"I'm here to help," that one statement made the tears gush out like blood from a recent fresh cut.

My insides felt like they were turning into goo while hardening at the same time, my head spinning, I heard the sound of the rain hit the car and the ground around me as strong hands engulfed me and gently leaned me on an equally strong chest.

Through the chaos in my being, I felt assured.

I just didn't know how to respond at the time.

****
"I need you to talk to me," Dave begged as he joined me back in the car. It must have been hours since I got into his car after he arrived yet I felt no different.

Edith's cries could still be heard from the parking lot and the small chatter that ensued among the mourners was still a warm buzz despite the cold air.

Shaking my head,  I eyed the spoon in his hand and leaned away.

"Lisa," he called softly and I caved from the worry and concern that wound up in his tone.

It was as if he was worried that if I didn't talk then I'd explode or something.

"Last  night," I choked as the memory and tears rushed back to me. "I made her promise that she was going to fight," the smile she had given me was still clear on my mind.  "It took less than twenty minutes after I'd left her room for the nurse to break the news to me."

And the crying began.

"I should have stayed," I sniffed only to have snort cover my nostrils. Forget disgusting,  I felt like a filthy rag. " I didn't even know she was that sick."

"What was wrong with her?" He asked cautiously.

"Lung cancer," I told him quietly. "But doctors say th- the brain tumor  grew faster than they expected and it sped up-" a sharp sob pierced through me and I coiled into myself. "I read her charts and it was like her body was only hanging on for so long. She had bronchitis,  her lungs were filling with fluid, stomach ulcers, had a previous accident that damaged her spine a little-"

"Hey," he soothed while pulling me closer to him. "You couldn't have done anything to change that."

"I should have known." I whispered.

"She decided not to tell you. It's not your fault." He told me and I sighed into my cries.

"How did you know we were in Oregon?"

"I'll tell you later. I need to take you back home so you can freshen up." He said pulling away a little so that he could look at me. "Where are you staying?"

"I've been sleeping over at the church but my stuff is at aunt Edith's." I told him.

His eyes were trained on something through the windshield. "Is that Marc?" He asked, pointing to the figure standing in front of the church entrance. 

"Yeah," I told him. "He hasn't left since yesterday. "

"Where is he staying?"

"We've been sleeping in the church. There's a small space at the back with some comfy seats."

"Gimme a sec," he said getting out of the car.

I watched as he ran over to Marc through the rain and I placed my head on my knees.

Why did I always lose the people I thought would  be there with me for the longest time?

*****
Thanks for the read...

I just buried a relative a day before Christmas eve and it has messed me up. Writing is my coping mechanism at the moment.

It's Christmas! Although I might not celebrate this year, I wish you a happy holiday.

Love,Eline ❤