It's Our Secret

Chapter 39 - Hayley

Three years earlier

"Ettie, we need to talk about this," Hayley said to me, as we sat on my couch in Manchester. She had just come to visit me, from Portland, and was becoming more adamant that I needed to tell Keira about my heart.
"No, we don't. Hales, you're here for a few days, can we please not spend that time fighting?" I said, pulling her beside me, and placing my hand on her cheek. She gave me a weary smile, unsure of what to do.
"But-" she started to say, but I interrupted.
"No, no "buts." Let's just live in the present, and stop worrying about what the future is going to be like. Please?" She nodded her head, and I leant in, pressing my lips against hers.

Over the next few days, Hayley and I weren't right. We weren't in sync, and we knew why. We both knew we had different opinions when it came to my condition. I didn't want anyone to know, and she wanted me to be open with Keira. But, she didn't understand. She didn't understand how my brain worked. She assumed that once I told Keira, everything would be okay. It would be like nothing had changed. But it had changed. My world had changed, and I didn't want Keira's to have to as well.

As I started making our breakfast, the morning Hayley was set to return to Portland, my heart started beating out of control. I dropped the spatula that I was using to make the eggs, and slowly slid down the wall, clutching my chest.
"Ettie!" Hayley yelled, coming over to me.
"My bag," I said, through gasping breaths, "pills." She went over to my bag, and rummaged through it, finding the quick relief pills the doctor gave me. She popped them into my mouth, and rubbed my hair as I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. I stayed glued to the kitchen floor for a while as Hayley sat beside me.

After 10 minutes of trying to regain my breath, I felt my heart settle back to a normal rate. I looked at Hayley, who, I could tell, was concerned.
"Ettie, you need to tell Keira. I can't go back to Portland knowing that you are alone in England without the support. I can't do that."
"Hales, I'm okay. I'm alive. It's okay."
"No, it wouldn't have been okay if I wasn't here. What if something happens like that when you are alone? What are you going to do?" She said this with such force, that I knew she wouldn't drop it.
"Okay, okay, I'll tell Kie. I promise."
"Promise?" She asked.
"Promise." This was the downfall. The downfall of our relationship.

A few days after Hayley left Manchester, she asked whether I told Kie. I said I had, when really I hadn't. I lied, straight to her face. We broke up soon after that. I told her I needed to focus on my health, and she understood. We both did. But, in the end, I only broke things off to protect myself. Protect myself from the possibility of Hayley telling Keira. I was selfish. I was awful. I ruined something so good in my life. I ruined the possibility of me and Hayley.

Present

I went to meet Hayley in a coffee shop in the middle of Manchester. It was a nice early summer day, and I knew Hayley would most likely be leaving England soon to go back to Brisbane. As I turned down the street, I peered into the coffee shop. I saw her sitting there, sipping on a coffee, looking down at her phone. I smiled to myself as seeing Hayley did bring that sense of comfort back.

"Hey!" I said to her, as I walked through the doors. She looked up, saw me, and smiled.
"Long time, no see," she said smiling. When I heard her voice, I was once again reminded of Hayley's soft, australian voice, that is sweet to the ears.
"How have you been?" I asked, sitting down on the seat across from her.
"Yeah, I've been okay. What about you?" she asked.
"Woah, that's a loaded question."
"Has it really been that bad?" She said this so solemnly and kindly, that it made me feel comfortable to just open up to her, completely and utterly.
"A lot has just happened," I started to say. I explained to Hayley about the six month hiatus Keira and I had in our relationship, as well as the break I was forced to take from football.
"Woah, that is a lot," she said to me.
"Yeah, it's been full on."
"Well, I'm proud that you're still here and you're still pushing through. You're the fighter I've always known you to be." I smiled at this softly, and tried hard not to blush.
"Anyways, are you off to Australia soon?" I asked her.
"Yeah, I leave tomorrow."
"I've missed Australia." When Hayley and I were together, we spent a few Christmas' there and holidayed around Queensland.

As we continued talking, I could feel that Hayley wanted to say something.
"Hales, I feel as if you want to say something," I said, honestly. During our relationship, Hayley and I were fairly honest with each other, which is one of the reasons why my last lie to her, basically tore us apart.
"No, I really don't."
"No lying," I said to her. She sighed, and knew I was right.
"Okay, what I am about to say is for me and only for me, okay?" I nodded my head, confused where this was going. "I understood why we broke up. I really did. I knew you had to focus on your health, and at least for me, it kind of came at a good time, because only a few weeks later I broke my back, and it all worked out to be good, because although we both loved each other, we needed to focus on ourselves. But, for the past three years, I've felt as if I have lived in this bubble where I have just been floating, trying to find some closure. I've spent ages trying to find this feeling of contentment and I haven't found it. I thought that if I just sat and chatted with you, it would feel like I would get that closure. Does that make sense?" After she was done talking, she looked at me, her eyes fluttering. I grabbed her hands over the table, and looked down, rubbing my thumbs over hers.
"I'm not sure if I can give you that closure, but I want you to know that breaking up was probably the right thing for us to do, but I know that if I could redo that whole period of my life, the first thing I would change was that. I'm sorry, Hales, for everything." I saw a small tear float down her face, and as she softly smiled at me, I knew I said the right thing.

We soon paid for our coffees, and left the shop.
"I probably should head home. Finish packing." I nodded, understanding, but I didn't want her to leave.
"Let me know when you get back to England," I started saying to her, "maybe I can see you again before the season starts?"
"Yeah, that sounds great." She grabbed my hand, and gave it a squeeze and started walking away. I watched her walk down the street, and as she did, she turned back around. She saw me looking at her, and made a detour, coming back. My heart started exploding, she was coming back. She wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.
"I'll always love you," she whispered into my ear. This settled something inside me, possibly giving me the closure I didn't realise I needed.
As her arms retreated from my neck, she smiled softly, walking away properly this time, not looking back at all.

I ended up walking the hour-long journey back to Lucy and Keira's apartment (as I was having dinner there that night). As I was walking, I realised that throughout my day with Hayley, I hadn't once thought about someone I should've - Leah.