It's Our Secret

Ettie's Letters - To Lucy

Ettie's letters: the first part

To Lucy,

You're the first person I'm writing to tonight. The first person I thought of when I decided to do this crazy idea. As I lay in my bed, last night, the day before the third place final at the World Cup, I knew I had to talk to you. Write to you. Friend to Friend. Sister to Sister. There's a bit of explaining to do, and I know that. I hope this can give you the closure you may need.

You've always been a big sister to me. When I first arrived in the England camps, you were the person that made me feel most welcomed. You took me under your wing, and guided me through so much. You showed me what it felt like to have a mentor, to have someone showing me the ropes, and I'm forever grateful for what you did for me, all those many years ago.

But that's not why I am writing to you. I'm not writing to you to tell you how thankful I am nor how much you mean to me, because you already know those things. You already know how much of an impact you have had on my life.

Rather, I am writing to you today because I have a favour. A favour I wish I would never have to ask. A favour that makes me sad to the core.

I'm dying, Lucy. I'm dying. My heart is giving up on me. At any moment it feels like it is going to go silent, like the beats aren't going to tick over like they are supposed to. It keeps pushing, and pushing, but it's on the brink of death, and so am I.

I'm not worried about me. I'm not worried about what's going to happen to me when I go. The only thing I am truly worried about is Kie. My sister. My twin.

My favour to you, Lucy, is that you protect her. You protect her with all your heart, everyday, for as long as you can. You love her, cherish her, keep her safe, and do all those things for me as well. Love her double, cherish her double, protect her double. Even though I'm leaving, knowing that you are going to be there for her, without failure, gives me all the contentment I need. Brings me a sense of peace I don't think I would be able to have otherwise.

Keira means more to me than anyone could ever realise. She is my twin. My soulmate. She is my other half, and without her I feel incomplete. I know that, without me talking to her on this earth, she will feel the same. She will feel as if half her soul is nowhere to be found. As if her persona is broken into two. So, you need to be there for her. You need to bring her light when all she can see is darkness. Show her what it feels like to continue to enjoy life, in the face of adversity. In the face of grief. 

When she feels like giving up, or believing to herself that she can no longer do it, tell her these things. Show her what life can be like. Remind her that, even in all the gloomy days, I will be there. I will be shining a light on the darkness that could fill her life. Lucy, I need you to remind her. I need you to be that person for her, because I won't be able to.

It's always been me and Keira. She has never known a life without me in it. She will feel these things, and I know it will hurt. It will hurt like hell.

Luce, I know that when I'm gone, you will feel this pain too. You will hurt, because I loved you too and you loved me. But, you must be strong. You need to be strong, for her. For Keira. Please, do that for me. Be brave. Be fearless. Be strong.

I see only brightness for you Lucy. I see happiness, and even more success than you have already achieved. I see a life filled with beauty, love and happiness. Knowing that you have Keira and Keira has you, brings me everything I need. Brings me a sense of peace that I never thought I would be able to reach.

So, when I'm gone, when I have left this beautiful place of life, do what I ask. It is my only wish. Love her, like she loves you, and like I love her, and do that, for as long as you can.

Bye Lucy, I hope you never receive this, but if you do, know that I'm here, beating in your heart, pushing you on. Pushing you forward.

Love your little sister,

Ett.