Red vs blue and purple

Motion to Adjourn

Firefight outside the Blue Base.

Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.

Church: Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Church points at the rock Caboose's at. Tucker follows his finger and looks back at him.

Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

Church: We do not have time to discuss this.

Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

Zoom to Grif, Sabine and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues. Grif has his finger on the trigger and his hands are buzzing.

Grif: Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.

Simmons looks at him annoyed.

Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

Sabine: Thats a horrible feeling.

Zoom back to Church looking at Doc.

Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!

DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.

Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

Tucker looks at him confused.

Tucker: What's the difference?

DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.

Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot.

Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing.

Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

Church: Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.

Doc: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.

Church: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".

Church says making a gun with his hand.

Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

Tucker: Oh, come on.

Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

Church: Huh. I see.

Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot. Caboose falls to the ground clutching his foot.

Caboose: Ahow! My foot...

Church looks at Doc smugly.

Church: Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

Doc looks at him annoyed.

Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

Zoom to the Reds. Simmons was shooting when he runs out of ammo.

Simmons: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

Sabine: Same here.

Grif: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.

Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

Grif: Wait, since when?

Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.

Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

Sabine: Note to self, pinch Grif during meetings.

Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

Grif: What's your job?

Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

Sabine: And I'm the explosives expert.

Sarge looks at Grif:

Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

Simmons comes up with an idea and looks at Grif.

Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

Zoom to Doc and Caboose.

Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?

Caboose is bouncing up and down in pain.

Caboose: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

Doc: The left foot?

Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.

Doc turns around as he heard Church.

Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose! (echoing)

Doc Turns back around to Caboose.

Doc: Anything else?

Caboose: Uh, well wha?

Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

Doc stares at him uncomfortably.

Doc: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Caboose: Okay.

Zoom to Tucker and Church.

Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

Church: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

Sarge comes out from cover and looks at the Blues.

Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Church: Surrender?

Sabine: Huh?