Red vs blue and purple

Dealer Incentive

Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the blue base.

Tucker: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.

Donut looks at him shocked and confused.

Donut: Female!? I'm not a girl.

Tucker: Tease.

Donut: I just have, light red armor.

Caboose: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

Donut looks at Caboose with a smile.

Donut: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

Tucker: Silence woman!

Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons, Sabine and Grif.

Sarge: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?

Simmons: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.

Grif: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

Sabine: I'm pretty sure Donut just got lost....... He's not very good with directions............................... Remind me to teach him that when we get him back.

Sarge: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategum, and we need it fast.

Simmons: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

Grif: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?

Sabine:...

Sabine looks at Grif as he realizes that she's a girl.

Grif: Never mind.

Sarge: You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

Sabine: I'm, pretty sure Donut will try to keep quiet....... I think.

Church enters the blue base with Tucker waiting for him.

Church: How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

Church looks at him with a eyebrow raised.

Church: Do we have a crock pot?

Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

Church: What was in the mystery box?

Tucker: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

Church: ...well that's a good trade...

Tucker: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.

Church: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...

Tucker: ...

Church and Tucker: ...

Church: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

Tucker: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

Camera zips around to another part of the blue base, where Caboose and Donut are.