Red vs blue and purple

Nobody likes you

Simmons is looking up at the Blues on top of their base.

Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing!?

Sabine: (holding in vomit) I'm gonna be sick.

Tucker: (stands up) Aw crap, the Reds are here.

Church: What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.

Grif looks at them.

Grif: What were you doing down there?

Tucker: Nothing. What're you talking about?

Caboose: (from the back) We were just playing a game!

Sabine: Thats disgusting.

Church looks at Caboose.

Church: Hey, Caboose, we'll handle this.

Grif: What in the hell is going on at this base?

Doc looks at Grif.

Doc: I told you these guys're weird.

Sabine: Don't you start.

Church: Whaddaya want, Reds? Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!

Grif glares at Church.

Grif: Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

Church: (tries to turn around, fails miserably) Uhgh... no.

Grif: Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.

Sabine: Shut up.

Simmons: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.

Tucker looks at him confused.

Tucker: Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.

Grif: Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

Sabine: He peed in our car!

Tucker: Gross.

Church: Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.

Sabine: What's that supposed to mean?

Grif: Hey, dude, what is your problem?

Simmons: Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

Caboose: (from back) He's shy!

Sabine: What?

Church: (to Caboose) Shut up. (to the Reds) Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'.. kinda private over here.

Sabine: Ew.

Grif: That's sad. He is shy.

Simmons: Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

Grif, Sabine and Doc start heading back to Red Base.

Tucker: We won't.

Grif: Last chance.

Church: Beat it, Reds!

Grif: Alright, we're goin', we're goin'!

Grif, Doc, Sabine and Simmons reassemble over a hill.

Grif: Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.

Sabine: What did you expect? We're reds and their blues, their supposed to be rude to us.

Grif: Good point.

Doc turns and starts toward Red Base.

Simmons: Whoa, wai- hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?

Doc: (stopping) Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...

Grif: Heh, yeah, I don't think so.

Doc: What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere.. by myself?

Simmons: Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.

Doc: Not you too, right, Grif? Old buddy? Huh?

Grif: Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Doc: ...

Simmons and Grif leave as Sabine looks at Doc.

Sabine: It's okay, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Doc: Can't you just hide me somewhere, I don't do very well alone.

Sabine: Sorry but sarge isn't very happy with you and I'd rather him not kill you. I'm sure you'll be, I'm pretty sure there's a cave around here. Just hole up there.

Doc: Okay.

Sabine: Good, see y'a.

Sabine leaves as Doc heads towards blue base.

Cut to Blue Base.

Church: What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!

Tucker: I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...

Church: Uh, Tucker, you might wanna look behind you.

Tucker turns around and sees Caboose with the sniper rifle.

Tucker: God damn it!

Caboose: Uh, ooo Church, Church! Okay, I s-I see something... okay... uh the three red ones are walking away... uhhh... but the purple one is...

O'Malley: I think he's going to attack.

Church: Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.

Tucker: He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.

Church: Pacifist.

Tucker: Ahhh, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Church: Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.

Caboose: I'll bet they've used some kind of brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...

Camera view changes to looking through the scope of the sniper rifle.

Tucker: Caboose, that is ridiculous.

Caboose: Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, (scope zooms in on Tucker's face) it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

Tucker: No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.

Normal view resumes.

Church: Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base.

Doc: (from afar) Hey, guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?

Caboose: I knew it! We're all gonna die!

O'Malley: (aiming at the back of Tucker's head) Starting with you.

Tucker: Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away.. or something.

Doc: Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-

Church: Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.

Doc: Hey, uh, I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!

Church: Just.. get outta here! And tell your buddies the Reds that their little "plan" failed.

Doc stares at them for awhile.

Doc: ...Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.