all i want

August 17th (Eleanor)

TIME SKIP
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I get up at around 6:00. Today is my first day of school. I was dreading this day for months.

On the bright side, i made amazing progress since it happened. I started eating again after accidentally losing 6 pounds. My room had progressively gotten cleaner, but not how it used to be. I could finally go downstairs without keeping my eyes closed, but i still couldn't sit in the living room. I tried to about a week ago. I swore i could see the hook he used on the ceiling, but Cyrus denied it ever single time. The next day, I went down there again and it wasn't there. There wasn't even a hole in the ceiling from it. Everything was spotless.

I put on my school clothes and grab my backpack. Cyrus was already downstairs making breakfast.

"Hey! How do you feel?" He asks putting a plate in front of me.

I shovel food in my mouth, "I told you to stop asking me that."

"Just checking" he scratches the back of his head, "Hey, i know we haven't talked about this much but... how are you used to this already?"

"what do you mean?"

"You know..."

I look up at him from my food, "Its been like this for months now Cy. And who said I was used to it?"

"I don't know Eleanor, I just haven't seen you smile since like- June."

I push my plate away from me, "Great going. I just lost my appetite."

As i start to get up he stops me by grabbing my arm, "You barely talk to me anymore."

I pull away from him,"yeah and do you see why?"

His eyes start to get watery, "I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL ALONE IN THIS WORLD ELEANOR. I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THE WAY YOUR BROTHER DID THREE MONTHS AGO." He shouts, startling me. If i yelled back, i could potentially trigger another one of his episodes, and i didn't want that.

I get taken aback by this. I too get a little emotional, "That is incredibly selfish of you, Cyrus." i say quietly and calmly, backing up away from him.

He stands there, ashamed in himself. I just stare at him, shaking my head, trying not to cry. I felt scared of him. Like he was going to hurt me or something. I just storm out into my front yard and all the way to my bus stop down the street, where I knew he couldn't touch me.

There were already kids standing there, waiting for the same bus. None of them looked approachable, so i mind my own business and wait for my bus. When it arrives, i climb in and go all the way to the back.

As people started filling the empty seats in the bus, i realized how alone i was. I don't feel alone, i just am.

"How about we just sit here? Im sure she wont mind!" One girl says pointing at the chair I'm sitting in.

The other one laughs, "Did you not hear what happened? Her brother killed himself. If we're lucky she will too."

The nicer one gives me an apologetic smile, knowing i just heard their entire conversation. I just shake it off. When I arrived at school, I found that I had sat alone the entire way there. Some people even sat on the floor to avoid sitting next to me, as if i were diseased.

First period. Assigned seats (thank goodness). The kids around me complained about their seats, all with various reasoning.

'i cant see the board!'
'I need to be near a trashcan, I get nauseous easily.'
'My mom said!...'

I just stay quiet. I noticed the other kids in my other classes did the exact same. By the end of the day, I was used to it.

I stand in the lunch line, with a tray in my hands, getting my lunch. I saw only one lunch table completely empty in the corner of the cafeteria, so naturally, I sit there. The chairs were all sticky and the table itself was wobbly. But it was better than nothing.

I was sitting there peacefully eating my carrots when a girl with very curly hair walks up to me. The girl from the bus.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" She asks, sitting down anyways.

"Uh- sure."

"Okay cool! Im Summer. Whats your name?" Her voice is high pitched and squeaky. Almost like shes on a commercial for a children's toy.

"Im Eleanor." I say plainly.

She grabs my hand and shakes it, "Nice to meet you! Hey, about what happened on the bus earlier, that was all my friends doing. Im really sorry."

"Oh. No worries. Where is she anyways?"

"She has the lunch before this, thankfully. God, sometimes its nice to get a break from her." She explains

"Why are you being so kind to me?"

"Because you seem lonely." She smiles and crunches hard on baby carrot.
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Word count: 844