all i want

Liam

I see my mom running towards me. She looked as beautiful as the picture I had of her.

She stands in front me, staring at me, "Is it really you?"

I nod, "Yeah... yeah its me mom"

She goes in for a hug, sobbing into my shoulder, "I never though id see you again." She cries out.

We stay sitting in the ground, holding each other, just bawling our eyes out. Even though we were away for so long, it felt like i've known her my entire life. I didn't even realize how touch deprived I was until Im in my mothers arms. Her love is all I need.

"Mom I need to tell you something." I say over her shoulder.

She lets go of me and looks me in my eyes, "hm?"

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We start to walk back to her house together. I wanted to make sure that I was safe before telling her about liam. More importantly, i want her to feel safe. I didn't want her to panic in public and completely break down.

Her house was more in a urban area, less city like. It was small and wooden and decorated cutely with flowers and vines. It was very welcoming and inviting.

The inside was even more dazzling. It was clean and pretty, "You have a knack for decorating."

"Thank you! Uh- please make yourself at home. If you need anything let me know!"

I sit down on the couch opposite of her, "No i'm fine... I just need to talk to you about Liam."

She smiles, "Go ahead"

Her smile was so warm I hated that i had to ruin it, "A few months ago... Liam committed suicide..."

I explain the whole story to her, trying not to get choked up. I told her about the notes, the breakdowns, the funeral, Cyrus, the water glass, the people who were bullying me at school, how I found her, and the trip I took to get to her.

The entire time she sat there, staring at me with that same smile on her face, unbothered about her dead son. She'd sneeze a few times but never shed a tear.

"Aren't you upset?" I ask her, more hurt by her than the story itself.

She shakes her head silently, then I hear the doorbell ring, "Will you get that, dear?"

I nod and stand up, making my way slowly to the front of the house. I open the door and stare at my feet, trying not to make eye contact with the person standing in front of me as i let waterfalls pour from my eyeballs.

I stare at the mystery person's feet. You can tell a lot about someone by their shoes. They wore black, tattered nikes and blue jeans. They had long legs, i could tell. Warm arms wrap around my body, comforting me. It was at this moment I knew. I do know this person.

I look up and see my blonde headed brother. The one who supposedly committed suicide about two or three months ago.

I push him away from me, "What the hell." I say, "What the hell."

He scratches the back of his head, "Hi."

All i remember after that is blacking out. I was speechless. He's not dead. Why is he not dead? I saw him. He was laying there. I saw him. I saw his dead body. I was the one that saw the rope burns around his neck. I was the one that saw him hanging limply from the ceiling. My eyes saw it. Not anybody else's. Mine. And now it's permanently engraved into my brain. Why me? Why not Cyrus? Why not Mom? Why me? Im fourteen fucking years old.

"El wake up." Liam says leaning over me.

I open my eyes and look at him. I stare at him for a good ten seconds before sitting up on the couch, "Liam?"

He laughs a little, stroking my head, "yeah?"

I bury my face into my hands, "What the hell." I slap him across the face. Sure enough, his head was real. It was as hard as I remembered it.

"I deserved that."

I stare at him furiously, it finally setting in. Then, all the fury washes over me and a wave of happiness hits me like a bus. I smile for the first time in months. A real, honest, genuine smile.

I stand up and bolt to him, jumping into his arms. He felt so warm and comfortable. God i missed this. Its crazy how a few months can feel like an eternity. For once I know what safety feels like. This. This is the best feeling ever.
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