PraNish - No Straight Roads

There's No Better Love

Pratik

"Apna confess krke chali gayi Devo." I laughed. I wanted to tell this to him myself to show that it means nothing to me. I kept laughing while talking about her because it indeed was funny that so many girls have been into me lately and also the fact that Nishant hates Devo, I gotta make sure he knows I ain't into her at all. He kept saying "hmm hmm" he has been awfully quiet the past two days.

Nishant shifted his position to lay next to me. "I'm done with love. I don't wanna get married. I don't wish to be with anyone at all. Kids? Maybe. Love? Maybe. Marriage? Nope. Never." I said as Nishant was lying beside me at our spot looking above at the sky.

"You are so sure about everything. There is no greyness in your life, is there? Tujhe nahi lagta ki itna surety pe nhi jeena chahiye." He said as he continued to look up.

"Surety makes me feel stable. Acha lgta hai, dil ko shaanti milti hai. Main apni life black and white mein hi chalata hu, it works for me." I said while turning myself to get a better look at him. Nowadays, I just want reasons to hug him, touch him idk what's happened to me but like Nishant himself has been saying to all of us since the last week : "We have lost it." I think I have started to believe this.

"I see everything grey, you know." He said after a long pause. Nishant never judges me for what I do, he questions me though, he questions me a lot but judgement? He doesn't pass judgements on me. The first thing I liked about him when we first met. We are so vastly different but the only reason it works is probably because we understand each other? I think so.

"You can do that, you have a different kind of strength in you." I said that almost absent-mindedly. I'm always honest with him but I also don't wish to hurt him which is rare for me to consider because I always say the sh*t which is on my mind. Nishant has become an exception to this.

"What? Aisa kyu bola tune?" He asked looking at me. He was so close to me. I had the crazy urge to touch his tangled curls, one wild curl was very close to his eyes. I just impulsively twirled his hair around my fingers and brushed the wild curl away from his face. "Pratik bata pehle tune kya bola?" He said while looking straight into my eyes, he was too busy thinking about what I just said to him.
"The grey line, mtlb sab equal hai teri nazro mein koi bura nahi hai and koi acha nhi hai, right?" I said this and became conscious of my hand which was still around his forehead. He slapped it away. "Its a defense mechanism. I see through you Nishant Bhat, you can't do sh*t about it." I said and got up smiling.

"Kaha jaa rha hai?" He asked still laying in the exact position as before. It seemed he was tired. I didn't want to leave him but I don't know how to deal with what I have been feeling for him. "Devo bula rhi thi." I said as that's the first thing which came to my mind to escape him. He looked sadder as if he would cry. I didn't know how to deal with his emotions right now since mine are a mess so I quickly walked away saying nothing.

I'm straight, right? Sexuality doesn't even matter at this point, what does he feel? I literally have no idea, if its not reciprocated then is it even worth questioning my sexuality for it. Maybe I'll never feel this way again for any man? The only grey area I can think of right now is my sexuality. Its unsettling since I don't know how Nishant feels. I can't do sh*t about my feelings unless I know what the other person feels. I let go of so many potential relationships because of this but can I let Nishant go? The thought was terrifying. Maybe if I confess then surely he would let me go because there is a strong possibility of this being one-sided? I can't lose this man. Anyway I don't believe in relationships, I would be content to be with him always as we are now. I just can't bear the thought of not having him around me.

Next night after the big fight

I had never seen him this angry. He threw his mic. He cried in the bathroom. I was breaking down too so I couldn't go to him and ask him why?

I was stunned. Today was the day Danish passed away. My heart was so heavy about everything I didn't have the strength to tell anyone about Danish nor did I have the strength to ask Nishant questions. It hurts so much that I can't share it with Nishant particularly since we fought. If tonight I want to talk anyone in the world it would be him. The way we fought I would never forgive anyone but I immediately wanna forgive him. The way he hurt me I would wanna leave immediately and never see him again but all I care about how much he must be hurt. I have been wrong all along, I thought of the possibility of never having this feeling for any guy again but I think I'll never feel this way about anyone in the world again. He is special, He is my exceptional case to my very stubborn habit, he is my weakness, he is my strength and he is... mine.

After the reunion at Christmas

The realization that real love is unconditional regardless of how confusing life can be and how doubts can make it seem at times conditional. With our purpose being unknown we make mistakes and look for answers when doubt makes us unsure of answers we already have deep within. Life is hard and cold and people change but true love lasts for eternity. the imperfections within us that ultimately make lasting love that much more rare and beautiful.

"You have the revengeful side Nishant." I said.
"I am like that Pratik koi mera kuch bhi kharab karta hai, insecure krta hai I destroy everything." He said with utter seriousness and Shamita was not impressed at all to hear this. I on the other hand was mesmerized. I never thought Nishant was this crazy, all this time I thought he is this good guy who is just the opposite who I am and here he is showing me how similar we both are.

I said nothing and I admired him for baring himself to me and also to the hundred cameras in the house. He had the guts to say it. Even tho' it doesn't help or give me any hint about how he feels but now I know what he feels has gotta be more than friendship. "I have never loved a darker blue than the darkness I have known in you." These lyrics of a song kept repeating in my head. I never thought I was capable of loving someone in their entirety knowing the depth of their darkness and faults despite my self-programming to protect myself. I was looking for a way to know his feelings and if he could love me or not but ultimately it doesn't matter, I love him and I'll take him however he shall want me.

[[ Am I skipping time ahead fast? Yes, I am. Stay tuned, interesting chapters ahead since they both have realized how they feel now. ]]