On the Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 28

Despite our brief reunion, our sudden separation strained us further. Just a couple of weeks after he left Maine, Billy headed to Europe until Thanksgiving. While away, his songs haunted me at every turn: in the shower, from a window as I walked to class, and in nearly every car ride.

His newest album was invasive in its content. The trying and loneliness of the previous winter played out over and over. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about us.

"I invent conflict to write," he'd soothe.

Still, the songs stung, and they bled into our conversations.

"I'm back in the States next week. We're booked for a couple of shows in New York. Come down."

This was us. Billy talking, pleading, while I spent too long searching for words to respond. He didn't handle my quiet pauses well and filled the time with nervous chatter.

"We get in on Tuesday. There are shows lined up at night and one of the late-night talk shows, but we'll be together. Please, Lil."

"I have classes until Thursday." I kept my tone flat.

An animal inside me desperately tried to push tears to my eyes, but I fought them back. The warm memories of Billy's proximity felt like they happened between two different people.

"Okay, come down after. I don't fly home until Saturday, so at least we'll have Friday." His voice sounded even rougher than I remembered, probably from overuse.

"Yeah, I'll check and get back to you." My mind went mushy with exhaustion from the brief conversation, but my body twitched in agitated motions.

"Sure," the disappointment clouded his voice, driving through me like a bullet. "Lil, I love you; you know that, right?"

"Yeah, of course. I love you too, Billy." A warm tear pricked the corner of my eye. "I'll try to make it."

"Okay, I should go; it's late or early. I can't tell anymore." His voice felt distant from my partial rejection. "I..." he dropped out before he finished, "I love you." Then the line dropped.

I tried to ignore the distance, but I couldn't. I stared at my blackened phone for a long time, willing myself to call him back and tell him that, of course, I'd come, that I couldn't wait to see him. Instead, I let the phone drop and continued to work on my homework. I looked ahead to check what was due on Thursday. Most professors were generous, so close to Thanksgiving. They knew diligent students would work on their thesis papers and the others would already be on vacation. I wasn't sure which one I was. The reading assignments were light; I had finished most of them. The reasons not to go depleted.

It was easy enough to check with my professors in class. All complied with the advance notice. Still, I hesitated in calling Billy. I found myself on the bus website looking at schedules. I could leave Tuesday evening after my classes and be in just before 11 pm, or I could leave Wednesday morning and be in before noon. My fingers flicked over the Tuesday tickets as my heartbeat faster in my chest. Instead, I picked up my phone and dialed Billy before I talked myself out of it.

After the fourth ring, his gruff voice answered with a short "hello."

"Billy?" He sounded wrong.

"Lil? What's wrong?" His voice came clearer now with the edge of panic.

"Nothing's wrong," it hit me all at once. "Shit, I'm sorry; what time is it there?"

The rustle of blankets came through the phone. "4 am."

"I'm so sorry. Go back to sleep; call me when you wake up." The blood drained from my head and pooled in my limbs, causing lightheadedness from my stupidity.

"No, I'm up. What's going on?" The lingering fog of sleep slurred his words.

"I..." An ocean away, and Billy still jumbled my words. "I talked to my professors about my Thursday classes. I can hand in my work early."

"Yeah," an eager smile wrapped around his words. "So, when are you coming?" The excitement had chased away the slumber.

"I can leave after my classes on Tuesday and be there a little before 11 pm or leave Wednesday morning and be there around noon."

"Yeah, what do you think?" He wouldn't answer for me.

"What do you think?" I pressed.

"You know what I want, Lil. I'd fly you to London tomorrow if I thought you'd come."

I sighed at his honesty. "Okay, I'll plan on Tuesday." I welcomed the bubble of excitement at the decision.

"Send me the bus info. Tim will meet you. I'd come myself, but..."

"Work," I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

"Yeah, work." The weight of the word hung in the air. "Lil, I'm excited you're coming..."

"But it's 4 am," I cut him off. "Go to sleep. I'll see you in five days."

"Five days. I love you." Sleep was pulling him away.

"I love you too."

I hung up as I clicked the Tuesday ticket and fell asleep to the rumble of excitement and fear in my stomach.