On the Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 22

Even in an argument, Billy articulated himself. It was frustrating. As emotions and bits of nonsensical thoughts swirled in my head, I plopped down on the loveseat. The deep breath I sucked in did little to settle the churning of my mind. I dropped my face to my hands as the tears spilled over. Billy quietly entered. I didn't realize he was back until the loveseat sagged and his hand fell to the small of my back.

"I'm sorry for my tone." Billy smoothed his voice in a low, solemn manner.

A laugh spilled from my lips. "Your tone?"

"Well, if I just said sorry, you wouldn't know why, and I'm not sorry for what I said." He was much calmer now and smelled of a freshly seared cigarette filter.

"That was fast," I noted.

"I only needed one before the anxiety of our unfinished discussion pulled me back."

"It was an argument, Billy, not an unfinished discussion."

"Well, I'd like to finish it as a discussion."

I finally lifted my face to meet his gaze. His eyes lingered on the tracks of my tears before he raised his hands and wiped them away with his thick, rough thumbs.

"I've made you cry twice today. Maybe I'm not as much of a gentleman as we both thought."

"You didn't make me cry, Billy. I made me cry."

He sighed at my assertion. "How can I help?"

"You love me?" That was the point; he loved me.

"I do; I very much love you." He brushed my hair from my face as though admitting love wasn't some life-altering moment.

"You offer that so freely. Are there others?" I needed to know. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world when he focused on me, but was that his trick? I expected to see his muscles tense at my baiting words.

"That I love? Of course, my family, my friends, even Tim." The jocular tone left a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips. "But I don't believe that's what you're asking. To clarify, I'm in love with you and only you."

"Why?" I pressed.

He let out a laugh. "Why does anyone fall in love? I didn't choose, and honestly, I thought little of it at first. You'd pop in thoughts here and there after we met. A particular story from your past or comment you made on my memories or opinions. It was an interest. But then you answered my calls and listened to my rambles. I always felt so selfish in those moments, but I needed them."

"Why did you need them; why do you need them?"

He let out a heavy sigh as he steeled himself for the upcoming admission. "If you think of what startled you today, what made you run, I think you'd know. Would you prefer I state it for clarity?"

My mind returned to soundcheck, the orbit of people around him. I'd seen it as an outsider; when Billy shifted, everyone shifted. I closed my eyes and watched the orchestrated dance again. When Billy moved, the world adjusted to maintain the same distance. If he neared, people pulled away, all while looking to him as the answer man. Billy was alone; if he tried to move close, there was a recoil to accent his loneliness.

Still, I needed the concrete. "Yes, I'd like to hear it in your words."

He let out another loaded sigh. "You care for me, who I am as a person. I can see that, and, when we talk on the phone, I can hear it."

"I do care for you," I agreed, feeling as though we were getting off track.

"This is a choice I made. I pursued music. This isn't something that just happened. I've been playing, writing, and performing for years. Being a working musician, paying my bills with music I create has always been the goal." His eyes fixed on mine. "So I chose this. And, even though I had not thought of all the ramifications, I accept all that comes with it. But it's different than I expected."