More Than Divergent

40. Fucking Finally...

This was all a dream, a nightmare. None of it was happening. I had dreams of being back in Abnegation and this had was one of them. It had to be...

One by one those in the train car hopped out and when I reached the edge, reality hit me harder than I had ever felt. I wanted to collapse to my knees, this couldn't be real. Black swarmed through my old faction like a plague. Already I could see grey figures laying on the ground, some shaking, while others were still. Too still.

What was I doing here? Why was this happening? It's can't be real...

I hated my life in Abnegation, but I never hated this faction. So many selfless people, good people lived here. We were taught to look out for others, take care of one another and we did. Abnegation lived in peace with one another. A community built on selfless acts and finding pride in the service of others. My father was not one of them behind closed doors, but only in public he was everything an abnegation leader should be. That version of him did exist, here in this place. Every grey figure was someone I could know, someone I had interacted with at one point in my life. I had not moved from the train car. I was still trying to convince myself none of it was happening. The shots ringing out, were not real. The screams were not real. The bodies scattered across the green lawns of this neighborhood. They weren't real. Eric had pulled me down from the train car when he saw I wasn't behind him.

"Snap out of it" he scolded. "Stay close" he repeated once again. The initiate in me fell in line. My rifle pointed down and in the hold position. I followed Eric as Ila waited for us to begin our sweep. It's not real.

What I'm hearing isn't real. It's not real. It's a simulation, that's what it is. I kept repeating to myself and my head down.

"Theodora!" someone called my name. I looked up to see Mabel Walker. Mabel was one of our elders, she was well into her 70s. Everyone in Abnegation knew and loved Mabel Walker. A kind, caring, giving soul. She had no children of her own, and her husband died before I was born. She had babysat most, if not all the abnegation children at least once. She used to babysit me and Tobias when we were children whenever Marcus had to work late. "What's going on?" She asked me while being dragged from her home as I passed by. "Theodora?!" she cried as a dauntless member pushed her forward. She lost her balance and fell on the ground. She was so fragile, and small, always prone to falling. I hesitated when she called my name for the second time and then she called my name again. It's not real. It's not real. I told myself and kept walking. "Theo-" the sound of a bang followed. I waited for the rest of my name. Another second passed... It didn't come...

"Don't look back" Eric commanded, but I had to. I had to see. I had to see why she didn't finish my name. She always called me Theodora. She always finished my name. I started to turn around but it was Ila who whipped me back around.

"Keep moving" she snapped, pushing me forward. I ignored her and turned around. There was a clear path of destruction behind me. A sea of grey and red splattered across the bright green lawns. Along the path we walked. The path I walked. I found her. I found Mabel. In front of her house. Mabel laid on her lawn, staring at me. A stare I only saw in my simulations. A stare that hit me to my core every time. She was accusing me. Blaming me for her death.

She was dead.

Mabel was dead. The woman who would cut my hair when I was a child. The woman who taught me how to read a watch. The woman who needed help bringing in her groceries every Thursday. She was dead. And I did nothing. I kept walking... I could've stopped them. I could've have spared her. Suddenly I was being thrusted against the nearest concrete wall. Ila pressing her good arm on my throat. "Do you want to join her?" she could barely apply anymore pressure when she was thrown off of me.