Pride

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Shakyra Smalls

"You love when I fall apart so you can put me back together and throw me against the wall..."

-Love on the Brain; Rihanna

It'd been the middle of summer at this point. It was moving pretty slow as compared to the last summer. Last summer I'd been hanging out with Jay almost every waking moment. We'd been in and out of his house and pretty much all over Brooklyn. I'd been temporarily putting the pain of DeMarcus' infidelity in the back of my mind but was genuinely falling for Jay Ellis. Everything I told him a time ago was true. He was everything I wanted. At the present time however, I wasn't sure anymore.

We were again walking through the neighborhood. He was chattering happily about some plans to attend a Math bootcamp and I feigned excitement with him. I was only excited because it meant time away from him. I wasn't sure how I was going to stay in the relationship but couldn't quite see myself leaving it either.

"...it's only for two weeks though."

I blinked and looked up at Jay when the words entered my consciousness. I blinked in question, and he repeated himself.

"I was just sayin' it's a bit short, no?"

I shrugged, "You love Math, so it seems short to you. You still have the rest of the school year to get through Honor's Math so there's that."

He smiled sunnily, "You're right, babe. Anyway, what's on your mind? You're quiet."

There'd been a time when Jay would let me brood. These days since we'd gotten back together though it's like he takes every effort to make sure I'm happy. While I'm not mad at it, there's moments when it becomes too much.

"I'm listening to you gush about Math bootcamp. I don't like Math much so there isn't much for me to add to that."

I giggled slightly as he threw an arm around me and tickled my side. I leaned into his touch, thinking maybe I was thinking too hard about things as it stood with him. That was when the unthinkable happened.

Trevante turned the corner with his arm around another girl. His arm was lazily slung around her shoulder, and she was talking about a lot of nothing. Still, I felt my heart start to beat wildly in my chest upon laying my eyes on him. I felt my teeth grit. The urge to walk away from Jay and address Trevante hung over me like a monkey on an addict's back.

I caught Trevante's eye as he passed by with the girl and was shocked that his expression mirrored mine.

He was angry.

The insult wracked through me in waves and I almost trembled. I took a deep breath even as I saw Jay throw a stone faced look over at him as well. That tidbit made me raise a brow. I didn't understand Jay's annoyance with Trevante but knew better than to ask him why. I more wanted to ask Trevante why he should be angry with me at all when he had every chance to make something happen?

I wanted to push the girl that was walking with him to the ground. I wanted to drag his face to mine and kiss him senseless to make him understand that it was him and only him. I wanted to beg forgiveness but knew I had done no wrong. I wanted to curse him out and beat on his chest until I had no fight left. My emotions swung from one side of the spectrum to the other and it was shaming. It was confusing and I had no real handle.

Too deep into my own emotions it was that I hadn't noticed Jay walking away from me until he was well on his way down the block. How it was that I was that deeply caught up, I didn't know.

I jogged to catch up with him, but he started walking faster. I called his name and he spun around on me,

"What the fuck do you want?"

I reared back as if I'd gotten slapped. He chuckled.

"Nah, there's no need to act surprised. I asked a simple question. What the fuck do you want, Shakyra? There's a saying that says first time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me. This whole relationship was bullshit and I'm just now seeing it."

"What are you-"

He held up his hand, "Do you think I'm stupid? Don't answer that because you're going to lie and say no. But seriously, you don't think I know you?"

I was silent at this point. My silence riled him up worse than my words did. I felt stripped bare and uncomfortable. I shifted from foot to foot because there was no defense. Last time around I had one. This time around there was no space for grace. Knowing that, kept me from uttering another word.

"Kyra, man, fuck you." He said, "Stay away from me. Don't fuckin' call me and if you see me just walk the other fuckin' way. You wanna be with this nigga so bad, go ahead! For real this time, don't call me when shit goes bad. I'm not here for you at all. Eat it alone."

Jay walked away from me without saying another word. I stood on the street, unsure of if I felt heavy-hearted or lighthearted. Either way, I knew I wouldn't be okay for some time to come. This was the boy that I'd just given my virginity to. Even against my better judgment again talking to me as if I were a dirty whore on the street. This was the boy who chased after me again, making me feel as if I were little to nothing for simple mistakes. He'd been more graceful with his ex.

What if I had done worse?

I sighed, turning around to walk home. In my mind, the day couldn't get much worse. That was when my phone rang. I sighed, pulling it out, as Ketara's bright smile greeted me. I picked up, doing my best to brighten up my voice for a greeting when I heard the tears in her voice.

"Kiki, what's wrong?"

The words I never thought would bounce back at me did.

"Louis cheated on me."