Summer of '93 [PERCIVER]

15 - INCOMPETENCE

He couldn't handle the heat anymore.

Now that he was calmer and well-rested, he was stifling under the covers of his hotel bed. Beads of sweat formed at his forehead and trickled down the side of his face. He despised the feeling of warm stickiness that summer was unfortunately notorious for. He hated how hard it was to unravel oneself from it, it was much like a spider web in that nature. It was undignified, it was messy, it was rumpled.

Mentally, he was in a safe haven. No one had bothered him, not even the twins had tried to do so much as poking him, let alone anything else. No one had told him to come down for dinner or breakfast, no one had invited him to their awkward chats in which they asked him what was wrong with him and what had changed. And for that time, it had felt good, only getting out for bathroom breaks then curling in again had been liberating. Later, he would reflect upon this and realise that it was not at all good. In fact, it was devastating and yet another marker of his black sheep status.

With a moan, he peeked out of the sheets, his eyes bleary as he tried to blink away the exhaustion. Slowly, he kicked the sheets away from his body. He felt more awake as the fresh air from the window hit him. It was around 1pm, he predicted, based on the position of the sun. He had stayed in bed for over 24 hours, which annoyed him to no end. He had wallowed so much that he had forgotten how to be productive.

Groaning, he managed to roll out of bed and stand on his two feet without stumbling. He reached for his glasses blindly and slid them onto his nose. Even with them on, he viewed the world with tired eyes. It did provide some clarity, enough to assist him in making his way to the shower. His body was acting on autopilot, moving without thought nor motivation.

The bathroom door closed behind him and he faced the blurry mirror. The twins must've not turned on the fan when taking their hot showers. Of course they didn't, since when did they pay attention to small but necessary details? He was relieved that it was blurry, it meant he couldn't see how low he had sunk. He didn't have to look at the same jumper he had worn for over 48 hours. He wouldn't be triggered to muse over what Oliver had the potential to transform him into.

Percy peeled off the damp clothes that stuck to his frame. Moving to the shower, he turned on the water. Whilst there, he reached for the fan and switched it on. His shoulders relaxed when the cold water hit them, cooling them from the past day.

He was extremely ashamed of himself. Isolating himself was meant to help him gain control, not lose it even more than he already had. He would be surprised if he had any left. His mother was most likely extremely hurt, no doubt about that. Never had he lashed out in such a juvenile way, especially to not to her. Charlie was no doubt confused by his sudden fiery attitude as he had remained icy for the last few years.

What were the twins thinking? He was asleep almost the whole day, but if the mirror was foggy that was a good indication that they did sleep there. He had apparently spooked them; did they still feel that way? How long would it take for the demeaning comments to come back? They wouldn't apologise, that was something he could say for certain. They never did. Percy himself never apologised either. The three all showed an overabundance of pride.

The cold water woke him from his trance, helping himself to see clearly without heaviness.

He had been extremely selfish, irredeemably selfish. Oliver had been treated like his dirty secret because any happiness he had would be shared and his selfish self simply couldn't allow that. He had lied to them about his feelings in a way that allowed him to continue playing the victim when in reality there was nothing to victimise about his situation.

Oliver was the victim, not he.

Oliver had been his friend, unaware of Percy's romantic feelings towards him. Percy knew him well already whilst he was a mystery to the other. There was a clear power imbalance between the two, or at least there had been two nights ago. Was never speaking to Oliver again worth it? All of the moments the two shared, the kiss they shared, was it worth it?