Summer of '93 [PERCIVER]

14 - REGRET

His eyes were bloodshot, following every blink was a sharper exhale than the last. It had grown progressively worse as the hours flew by his head. He had gotten bored hours ago. He had been under stimulated, consumed with the same cynical thoughts that played themselves all night long. He shouldn't have allowed himself to do that, he shouldn't have allowed himself to take pleasure in it. It was dull enough at that point in time that he was weary just from the lack of entertainment. He didn't sleep, despite his body pleading him to. His eyes refused to rest; blinking was sufficient for them. His mind was acting as though it was battery operated. Promises were breaking before him, the promise he would be their golden child, he would be the best student in the entire school, he would be perfect. Within one night, he had broken every single one of those promises.

He was the nastiest kind of liar, a selfish liar, a human liar. He hated being so human, it was far away from the perfection he desired so obsessively.

The shadow of the white ceiling that had been present for much of the night disappeared as the sun's soft shine influenced the lighting of the entire room. The soft light engulfed the spot that Percy had stared into for seamlessly infinite hours. For the first time in those many hours, he finally turned away from the blank canvas of paper white and instead stared out the window. The sunrise was heavenly in its elegant sophistication. He always preferred sunrises to sunsets, seeing them meant that the day ahead was fated to be one of productivity and good time management. It was worth the effort that he miraculously was able to input. With that conclusion and motivation of productivity burning in his mind, Percy sat up, pulled the covers off of his body with a little struggle and heaved himself out of bed. With bare feet touching the cool floor, he wandered towards his bedroom window languidly. His footsteps were large, yet slow. The exhaustion had even reached the tips of his toes, it seemed.

The sunrise was a kaleidoscope of colours, pink, yellow and blue were a reoccurring theme. They were spread across Percy's vision, dotting themselves across in the way a child's fingerprints on a fingerpainting would. The sunlight had not begun to seep above the buildings just yet, it had only just begun, after all. He adored the peaceful sight; it was filled but it wasn't busy either. It still couldn't compare with home. With hills that overlooked entire landscapes underneath, one felt invincible when standing on them. The air was clear and crisp, never smoky, never polluted. It was in simple moments like these where he did suffer a little homesickness as if he were at Hogwarts for the first time all over again.

He wondered just how many people were watching the sky just as he was. How many people were admiring this marvellous sight? And how many of those people genuinely appreciated it and the calm emotions it brought forth? Percy hoped Oliver was one of those people. Perhaps he was admiring the colours from his hotel room whilst doing weights or relishing in the cooler air of the morning whilst jogging in the streets. He was sure Oliver would be able to appreciate a pretty morning.

But he didn't know.

Because not even Divination could assist him in knowing what the future held.

Would that be the last time he ever saw Oliver? The last time he would ever touch him? There was no way he could have possibly wanted that. Percy had done a terrible, terrible thing, and his future avoidance would be the consequence. He couldn't allow himself to hurt Oliver like that again, he wouldn't allow himself to. He had always known himself to be selfish, at least a little bit. However, what he hadn't anticipated was his selfishness consuming him in the manner it did.

He lost control. He had acted with reckless abandon, something so out of character for him. No time had been taken to analyse the moment. Wishes about the past were futile, he knew. But he couldn't help himself. It had felt fantastic, to completely relinquish control for once, and that daunted him. Only imbeciles lost control, and Percy was no imbecile.