Feeling Faint (BxB)

Chapter 32

Ben's P.O.V.
One never plans to be put in a precarious position. One part of the mind absolutely ready to give into a desire, the other part telling you it won't end well.

Jay's lips are inches from mine, and I'm so tempted to just close the gap.

But where would that leave us?

How selfish would it be for me to start a relationship with him when he's already got so much on his plate?

The picture of Jay sobbing brokenly on that bench, telling me he doesn't want to die, flashes before my eyes and I pull away.

I have to put him first, not my own desires.

"Sorry, are you alright?" I ask.

He breaks eye contact, looking off to the side to avoid my gaze.

"Yeah, sorry, I got kind of lightheaded when I stood up." He says, playing with his sleeves.

We remain in awkward silence, avoiding each other's gazes, until I awkwardly clear my throat and gesture to the kitchen. "Right, um, I'll go start supper then."

He nods and I leave, cursing myself in my head as I round the corner.

The fact is, I've tried. I've tried to convince myself that he's just a friend I care a lot about.

But if I stop kidding myself, the fact is that I've developed a connection to him. One where I want to be more than just friends.

I pull out ingredients and set them on the counter, though my mind is in the clouds.

Having a person like him come into my life unexpectedly has changed so many things.

Sure, my friends have always been there for me. River and Emerson have gotten me through a lot, but as we've gotten older I can tell that we've drifted apart.

Moving into my own apartment was definitely a big change, and the loneliness of being by myself so much more often tended to grate away at my already pretty fragile mental state.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was a more outgoing person. At least then I'd have more friends. However, the very concept of trying to manage my anxiety made that quite difficult.

Of course, anxiety was also connected to some rough times that led to me starting anti-depressants, as I probably should've started long before then.

If I really think about it, we've both got enough things to deal with. I can't be sitting here putting my problems on him when he's sitting here worrying that he could be suddenly gone any day as his cancer progresses.

A spike of pain suddenly shoots through my hand and I look down to realize I've managed to skim my finger chopping potatoes for the soup.

I curse under my breath and cradle my finger with my other hand, going down the hall to the bathroom to find a bandaid.

I rummage through a few cabinets, my memory failing me. Just as I start to question whether I actually own any, I find a box, only to bump into a body as I turn around, making me jump.

Jay's hands settle on my shoulders and he grimaces. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to scare you."

My heart's pounding a hundred miles a minute, and I have to shake myself out of a blank stupor.

"Oh, no it's my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."

Jay glances at the box of bandaids I'm holding and sighs, taking a hand and looking it over. "Did you cut yourself?"

"It's just a little one, I'm fine."

I pause and frown.

"You're supposed to be resting while I cook."