Feeling Faint (BxB)

Chapter 36

I take in a shaky breath. "Devon, I haven't told Alexa yet."

He nods in understanding. "It's your decision on how long to wait. Just remember though, if she were in your shoes you'd want to know."

I sigh and look up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact. "I know. The problem is, I don't know how to bring it up. I can't really just call her up and drop a bomb like that, can I? But then I'd have to do it in person, and I'm not really in any condition for that either."

"I hate to break it to you, but you're probably going to get worse before you get better, and you'll want her here for you during that. You can't keep it from her forever anyway," Devon says.

I sigh. "I should just call her, shouldn't I?"

He nods in response, and I pull out my phone nervously. She hasn't been the only one on my mind, either. I hate how my last interaction with Ben ended up, and even though it's stupid, I already miss him. That's the problem with all of this. It'd be easier to just let people drift out of my life, but somewhere in the back of my head, I have a connection to them I can't just sever. My hands shake but I dial my sister and anxiously wait for her to answer.

It rings several times, building my anxiety. What if she doesn't even pick up? Then I'll have to go through this entire process again later.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Lex."

"Jay," Lex says in a relieved tone. "I feel like I haven't heard from you in forever."

"Yeah, it's been a while. Sorry about that. Look, we should talk. I've... got some things I need to tell you." I say in a resigned tone.

"Is everything alright?" She asks worriedly. "Is this about you and Ben? Because if you're worried about that, then as I've said before, I support you. Plus Ben seems like a really sweet and supportive guy, and I-"

I cut her off. "Lex."

"Sorry."

I sigh. "It's not about that. I... I know that Ben is really great." My mind wanders back to our earlier fight. I don't want to die and leave him behind. The truth is that I HAVE fallen for him, despite everything I've done that's pushed him away. This way will hurt less for him than us growing closer and this beating me, because then I'll just end up abandoning him.

"Ben's done more than you know. Lex, I...."

I struggle to pull in a deep breath, and Devon nods encouragingly from across the room. My voice finally comes out in a broken whisper. "Lex, I- I have cancer."

A wave of emotions washes over me as the possibility of continuing to deny it floats away. This is real, and this is how my life is going to be from now on. And there's nothing I can do to control that fate, except to continue pushing to survive.

Silence echoes on the other end of the line, and I bite my lip and look at the ceiling, trying not to cry.

"Oh, Jay..."

I ramble on. "I'm so sorry. I know I should've told you earlier, but I just- I thought I could keep pretending it wasn't true, that if I didn't believe it, it would- would go away, or that I wouldn't have to deal with it, but- but-"

She cuts me off. "Jay, you don't have to apologize. I know a lot of people have disappointed you, and that this isn't something easy to accept either. I knew you hadn't been feeling well, but this..." I imagine her shaking her head as she speaks. "I should be the one apologizing, for acting in a way that you felt you couldn't come to me sooner. Does- Does Ben know?" She asks.

"Yeah, he was with me when they told me. I didn't think it'd be this either." I sigh. "Lex, I messed up."

"What do you mean?" She asks.