Feeling Faint (BxB)

Chapter 35

Ben's (Dissociated) P.O.V.

I feel like I'm going to puke. I brace myself against the counter, trying to calm down, but my breaths are coming out shaky at best. I can do this. I just need to get Jay to my dad's office. Everything will be fine. It's fine. I watch myself fill the cup with water and take it out to the living room.

"Jay, how are you feeling?" Asks the voice that comes out of me.

"Better... still sore..." He says with great difficulty.

My head nods, and my hands bring the cup to his lips for him to sip the water.

"Can you stand? Let's get you out to the car." My body moves to help him up, and I grab my keys off the counter as we slowly amble out the door with his arm over my shoulders.

My brain goes through the motions and starts the car, though my mind is anything but present. It's like I'm watching everything happen through the lens of a movie. At some point we arrive at the hospital, my dad waiting out front.

"Ben?" I hear Jay's voice say next to me, and I suddenly realize with a slight panic that I've been heavily dissociating.

It's strange though. I've reached the point where I can tell that I have very high anxiety levels right now, but nothing feels real. Some part of my brain has taken over as an autopilot and I'm just observing as I say, "Let's go inside."

My feet move down the walkways with Jay and we go down the halls with my dad until we reach an observation room.

My dad gives Jay clothes to change into as he goes to get something from his office, so I wait just outside the room.

I watch blankly as nurses pass by down the hall, busy with their own work.

Suddenly Dave is standing in front of me, waving his hand in front of my face.

"Ben."

"Sorry, what?" Reality suddenly snaps back and I'm hit by a wave of squeezing anxiety, my hands shaking at my sides.

"Are you okay?" I open my mouth to lie, but something in me just can't withstand it and my face crumples instead.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Let's go sit down for a bit." Dave says, gently guiding me into the little section in the wall where the nurses' station is.

He pats a stool and I sit down, recognizing my heavy breathing pattern and knowing what's coming, although it doesn't make me freak out any less. My brain is screaming at me to calm down or I'll have an anxiety attack, but instead I'm just slowly spiraling.

Dave is talking to me gently, but I'm really having trouble grounding myself.

"Ben, deep breaths, remember? That's it, you're doing great. This is just a fleeting little moment and it'll be over before you know it. Yep, deep breaths. What color is the floor? What do your sleeves feel like? That's it, find those little details for me. You're doing great."

My breathing slowly steadies as Dave pulls a stool up next to me and hands me a glass of water.

"Hey, you wanna talk about it? Did you take your anxiety meds this morning?" He says as I sip the water.

I set down the cup, shaking my head. "No, I'm out." I say, chewing on my lip. "Dad's getting them restocked but it's taking a bit."

He nods. "Is something else bothering you too?"

I grimace. Pros and cons to knowing the nurses, they can read me like an open book.

I bite my lip and avoid his gaze.