A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 35

The next day, I move out of the hospital. Caspian has a room with his mother and sister, and Finnick and Annie have another for themselves. Although they are all happy to have me move in with them, I choose to let the couple have their own space and stay with Auntie Tina and her family. At first, I'm not sure how we were going to fit four people in a three person room, but Tina tells me that Malila usually climbs in with her or Caspian anyway, so it won't be a problem. And it's not like we haven't been squeezed together in a home smaller than our family before.

After a celebratory breakfast - Coventina has managed to acquire three wild apples that Caspian cuts up and we share between the six of us - I urge everyone to carry on with their regular activities. I spend the day pretending to move in to my new room, when really there isn't anything to move, so I just wander back and forth between the quarters and the hospital with Caspian, who has decided to completely disregard his tattooed schedule. The ribbon he sent me for my birthday in the Games was taken or lost in the Capitol, as well as the twine bracelet Talise had given me all those years ago. I haven't seen my wrist bare in ten years and it hurts every time I remember it's gone, but there is nothing I can do.

Late in the afternoon, an official tells us we can see Johanna if we wish to. Caspian and I find Finnick, because he is closest to her, and we go to the hospital together. Johanna looks terrible: haunted like me, but also on the edge of defeat. She perks up when she sees us, even though she tries to hide her pleasure. We spend an hour with her, and I mostly sit back and let Finnick and Caspian talk. Finally, when it's clear she's exhausted but won't tell us, we leave her to rest. She catches my arm before I can go.

"You all right, princess?"

"Is that name really fitting?" I say, because aside from my crown braid, I've never quite understood it.

"I think the siren part works better, but princess is more fun to say," Johanna tells me, and I smile. She doesn't smile back. Instead, her fingers catch the end of my hair. I look back at her own shaved head, that's now sprouting bits of hair here and there. "I remember," she says hesitantly, "I remember them lighting the tips of your hair on fire."

I jerk away. She's right. They did. To make me think of Talise's death, to not only torture my body but also add to the agony of my heart and mind. I take a shaky breath. Johanna is watching me carefully.

"I'm alive. And not completely insane," I finally answer her question. "That's good enough for now." She nods. "How are you, Johanna?"

For a second, she considers the question as seriously as I ask it. Then she gives a sardonic smile. "If they keep me on the morphine, I'll be okay."

It's not a good answer, but I know she won't say anything else, so I don't push. I pause before leaving. "Johanna." She looks up. "If you need anything, ask."

Her lips twitch up with surprise, and nods again, gratefully.

After dinner and a shower, I settle down on Caspian's bed. Malila lies between the two of us and we tell her stories until she falls asleep. He reaches for my hand, but I pull away. We've spent the entire day together and my mind is worn out from the battle to keep control. I don't want to risk the progress I've made. He hides his hurt and smiles as I slip out of his bed and into my own. It takes a long time, but finally I hear his heavy breathing join Coventina's sighs and Malila's snores. I keep my eyes fixed on the door, like I often did in the Capitol. Embarrassed, I had asked Auntie Tina and Caspian if we could keep it ajar so I don't feel quite so claustrophobic. To my relief, they had agreed instantly, practically falling over themselves to make sure I am comfortable.

It must be past midnight when I see movement in the darkness outside the room. My heart seizes. A person appears, quietly pushing the door open, and I forget all about where I am and who I'm with. All the pain in my mind and body seems to rush back into me, and I curl up helplessly, waiting for the guard to drag me out again.