Excerpts of A Chaotic Mind

glimmer of hope

*COMPLETE REWRITE*

She looked at me like I was the only being left in the world.

In that moment, I glimpsed the potential for a genuine, endearing friendship- someone to stand by her side through life's peaks and valleys. That spark in her eyes, however, soon transformed into tears.

Realising that someone before me had been so tortured by life's hardships had me feeling weak, my heart melted and my own tears formed. An overwhelming urge to shield this kindred soul from further pain consumed me. Hues of red disdain and blue tears bled through my sight.

She wrapped her arms around the back of my neck in a hug, her tears staining my shirt and her sobs reverberating through me like ripples on the water. Time stretched on as we clung to each other, with whispered words of comfort attempting to ease her anguish.

She had finally found a person who would stick with her through the bad days and help her battle the inner demons that threatened to suck her soul out for her and lay waist to her life. It seemed as if, at last, she was with a person of caring nature.

My own fears of letting another person in was giving me doubts on how long this friendship would last. Past experiences haunted me—everyone I knew had, at some point, turned their backs on me. My fear of letting others in clashed with the desire for a lasting connection. Like jewellery I change my mind each day about my feelings toward someone, my feelings about someone and my rapid mood swings and changes.

My murmured sweet nothings ended as the realisation struck me: I couldn't hold onto anything good without eventually tarnishing, contaminating, or losing it. The sweet nothings I murmured were, in essence, directed at myself.

She looked up at me with so much hope that I couldn't bare to meet her gaze. I couldn't hurt her more than the last person, I couldn't take on her saddened soul and crush it further by destroying what good things she had found in me. So, I murmured my apologies as I stood with glistening eyes.

I had felt she could be the one who could help me, be the one to show me that I didn't have to fear losing another friend again- but my fear got the better of me and left me with a tear down my cheek as she sat with such sorrow.

I tried to walk away but her heart-wrenching sobs echoed, making it harder. Though it didn't feel right, I tried to walk away, only to find she had taken what was left of my senses. I walked straight back to her and wrapped her up in my arms. I could not lose another person who had held so much hope for me. I couldn't bare to lose someone as special as her. I couldn't bare to be the one who brought her to the weakest point and crushed her spine.

Tears flowed as I hugged her. I apologised to her as she shushed me soothingly until calmness prevailed. I told her my thoughts, why I thought I'd have to leave her and why I couldn't do so.

Her eyes, glistening with unshed tears, glimmered with hope, raw emotion, and unwavering connection. She was going to be the one to undo me to then fix me. The one to pull apart at my seams and stitch me a new heart. The one to take my bad and replace with a new good.

I was going to be her soldier fighting demons of my own and of hers. I was her guardian angel to bring her back from danger and save her everytime.

We were each others undoing but we'd be there to fix each other once again.