Excerpts of A Chaotic Mind

(TW) the darkness's complete consumption

WARNING: this chapter/part contains suicide and self harm and may be triggering to some people. I advise that if the topic of self harm, suicide and death is triggering to your mental health or physical wellbeing, please do not read on.

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Darkness crept over her slowly numbing limbs on its way to her blood stream, climbing higher until her vital organs began to shiver in fear. Her dark necklace tightens its coils around her throat similar to a boa constrictor. Her air supply becoming cut off and vertebrae shifting under its crushing strength.

Unsaid words of desperation and emotions burned bright blue in her chest. It filled her lungs with thick smoke, almost black as it scorched her heart and suffocated her from within. Her cheeks soon changed colour as she bit down on her lips to stop sound escaping her mouth. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, convulsing violently as her heart and lungs beat against her ribcage. This was their final protest.

Despite her best efforts to keep silent in a room painted in pained words, a choked up, strangled gasp of a breath sounds with the involuntary kick of her legs against the rising tides of dark. The only sound to permeate blue tinged lips.

Desperation had her hands tied to her sides despite her twitching fingers aching to remove the dark necklace around her throat, to claw at the invading numb that swallowed up her limbs. Body protesting against the complete consumption, she stays in the one spot with a mind blank and a relieved smile dusted upon paled lips. Waiting for the peace that came with diving feet first into the deepest dark, the caress of its waves lapping at her limp body and holding her in its gentle hold.

The pressure built up in her face as her body continued its involuntary convulsions, protesting against the slow shut down.

Why hadn't I jumped to avoid all this struggle?
Found a high up place instead of this useless struggle?

Just as her eyes closed to welcome the darkness, body becoming limp, there were voices loud yet too distant to make out the distinct words.

She could feel herself drifting slowly as she entered into a peaceful limbo amongst the chaotic white noise. The second last song in the soundtrack of her life coming to a slow end. She found herself wanting the song to end quickly, to skip the beautiful intro and straight to its melodic end. Yet just the same, she found this limbo was just as beautiful, if not more, than she had imagined the total consumption of darkness to be.

Just she began tiptoeing along the bottom and relishing in the darkness' cool embrace, she felt the darkness uncoil from around her throat. Was it possible, that it had become displeased with her lack of struggle? Displeased with her total acceptance, deciding that their game of cat and mouse was much preferred.

Silent desperate cries shook the sea around her and startled the darkness that lingered around her, allowing her to float back to the blue surface. Her limbs were waking up now that the tight coil around her throat had been unclasped, unshackled, and released her pale skin to the elements.

Fate was taking away her peace once again.

Another silent scream shakes through the darkness as she desperately clawed around, trying to find any sort of ridge or edge to hold while the sea tipped and slowly drained. Crying at the unfairness that fate played with, taking away her grasp at inner and outer peace.

With such haze still weighing over her, her limbs began betraying all her efforts. A sign of fight against the darkness noticed by all the wrong forces. Try as she might to bite down on her lips, another betrayal won over her. A painful breath passed through her paled lips, clawing its way down her scorching throat, lighting up the ash in her lungs and kicking her heart.

Another silent scream shook the limbo she now stood in once again, desperately trying to find another way back to that dark sea. Finding nothing but a blue plateau. The real-world was trickling in as the chaotic white noise got louder, more desperate to gain control over her.

Screaming at the world, at the cruelty of fate, at the fleeting dark. Waiting for exhaustion to take her under again. To a place where the voices could not reach her, where the pain could never touch her again.

With the her revival became the moment of half-awareness. Being half-aware of her reawakening limbs, the company around her creating chaotic white noise, voices becoming desperate. There was an ebbing presence of that familiar dark that whispered promises of a return.

She refused to open her eyes, refused to allow any tears, refused to respond to a single stimulus that shot through her body.

Why couldn't you let me slip into the darkness?
Why did you have to fill it with a burning blue and burn me once again?

"Please honey, we love you. Come back to us, please."

One plea that shattered her heart to hear. The heartbreak of another, praying for yet another failure on her behalf. Overly aware of the hand that wrapped around hers and the warm lips against her forehead, she wished for a quick end. Even if she would have to shatter the plateau and anchor her ankles to the darkness deep below. This was the part of her unintended failure that would haunt her, worse than the instruments and the sight of its destruction; the heartbreak of another, begging for her failure, begging because they werent ready for her first and final success.