Trigger warning: sexual abuse, self-harm, self-blame, grief
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Some nights as I lay curled beside my lover, I still see the hauntings of my past.
My failure to my longest close friend as we were struck by an oncoming vehicle.
The bathroom door that was kicked open to save me from a situation I didnt yet know would hurt me later in life.
Screaming at an older brother clearly in pain, to leave and further breaking apart our fragile and dysfunctional family.
Letting the razor draw blood but never leave scars and silently suffering from all the words and insecurities that plagued me.
Waiting for people to save me from me and howling when those I loved left, and yet I wasnt there for those who needed me like I needed them.
Letting a boy walk all over me and calling it love. Not fighting him off when his hands wandered and instead pretended to still sleep until it was too much.
I am a survivor but not for fighting my way through, no. I am a survivor merely because I waited out the pain and took the next easy way out.
I am a survivor but not for winning my battles, no. I am a survivor who lost and bled on the ground until the next bully picked me up and threw me down again.
I am in no way strong.
My scars are left to my insides, easier for blending.
So when my time comes, premature or not;
It will not change the world nor the lives of those who know my name.
YOU ARE READING
Excerpts of A Chaotic Mind
PoetryWelcome to the inner workings of my mind. The thoughts and emotions I battle and the imaginary scenarios I dream up sometimes. Think of this is as my own public diary. . I will warn there are some themes surrounding mental health, self harming tho...
