She's The One(Ariana/You)

Let It Go

Y/n's POV:

My fingers meticulously twist and turn the colorful blocks, my eyes trained on the Rubik's Cube while my ears and mind stay on the conversation I'm having. 

"Honestly, I hate the way it makes me feel. Every conversation, hell, every look makes me feel so weak. ." I sigh, staring at the completely green side of the cube." So wrong." 

"Wrong." Jaiden, my therapist, repeats the word.

Leaning forward, I set the cube on the glass table, then rest my elbows on my legs." I've never felt more me in my entire life. I mean, everything feels like it's exactly where it should be." I smile at the thought of everything in my life that's going great.

She jots something down in her leatherbound notebook." What's everything?" She asks.

I click my tongue, then smile again." My marriage for one. Me and Ariana are in a really good place. And we've been in some bad places before but just, our communication, our trust in each other, being able to rely on one another especially with the pregnancy. We both know how important it is to check in with each other."

"That's good. A pregnancy can be difficult for a lot of people. The pregnant mother experiences mood swings but so does the involved partner. It's true that it's a big change for the woman who's pregnant but the partner is also right alongside as a part of the life changing experience." I nod along to her words, her gaze remaining on me attentively. Then she asks," how're you feeling about the pregnancy?"

"Great, amazing, excited. I can't wait to meet my babies." She nods, giving me that 'is that all' look." I'm nervous. A little anxious. I hate even speaking on it, but something could happen with the pregnancy and that would scare me shitless. But I'm hopeful so the main thing that scares me is just being a good parent. Like, what if I'm all excited about bringing kids into this world and then I fuck up?" 

Eyebrows raised at me, she cracks a soft smile." Said every other parent in the world." We both chuckle at that." Your fears are valid. It's hard enough making sure we turn out to be good people, but to also raise children to be good people? That's scary."

Hearing that my feelings are valid makes me feel better about them. I nod and pick the Rubik's cube back up.

"Does your mother know about Ariana's pregnancy?" Jaiden rounds the conversation back around to the main topic of this session.

"Yup. She knows," I say with a huff of a breath." Told her on Thanksgiving, even though she rejected to come over to celebrate, and she was all shocked and quiet." My voice turns mocking even though the gravity of the situation weighs on me a once again.

My therapist nods. Before she speaks again, I do.

"She has this way of making me feel wrong, like, like I never should've gotten the surgery or even changed my pronouns." I toss the cube on the couch next to me." One person makes me doubt the past four years of my life. And on top of that she makes me doubt what one of the most important people in my life might've thought of me."

That makes her eyebrows raise." You mean your father." I nod." What she said about him not approving of you, that still deeply bothers you doesn't it?"

"Yeah," my voice cracks a little and I clear my throat, swallowing the lump that had formed." It does cause, he's my hero you know. There hasn't been a single day, since before he died, that I haven't been doing everything I think would've made him proud. And I don't talk about him much, I don't verbally reminisce on when he was alive, but I think of him every day." 

She's quiet for a moment, eyes leveled on me. Then she speaks," when was the last time you spoke to your father?"

My face goes straight, eyebrows rising a little." Uh, is this a trick question?" I ask and she shakes her head." Well, obviously it was before he died. Cause, you can't talk to dead people."