Lead Me Out of the Dark

Cut Me Open

           “Deck… why would you do this to yourself? Why would you…” I trailed off, sinking to the ground by his feet. He had a broken shard of glass in his hand, probably from a beer bottle. He wasn't wearing anything but a t-shirt, so I could clearly see the cuts on his arms. I think the more accurate word would be rips, because the skin was so violently jerked open.

"Isn't it obvious?" Deck slurred, narrowing his eyes. He lifted the glass shard accusingly.

"Deck, you're bleeding. It's going to get a lot worse if you don't let me treat it," I stated, my voice wavering. The memory was pushing at the edges of my consciousness. She was eying the knife carefully. I watched her hand twitch. Mom, what are you doing? I asked quietly. STOP! I screamed, trying in vain to rid the memory from my head. I focused on Deck's eyes. Purple and gray, I reminded myself. Purple and gray.

"I did this on PURPOSE!" Deck yelled, He's lying, I told myself. He wouldn't hurt himself.

"I don't believe you," I whispered, reaching over for his arm. He jerked it backwards, flattening himself against the tree. The metallic smell only grew stronger. There was crimson everywhere, all over the floor, on the bottom of my feet. I wasn’t crying. Why wasn’t I crying. This was supposed to be sad- PURPLE AND GRAY. I screamed at myself. I was at war with my mind, and I was losing.

"You are fucking killing me! Why can't you see that? You push everyone away, even when I beat that guy up for you! I was TRYING to prove to you I'd never hurt you! I'd only protect you! But nooooo!" He snapped.

"Stop," I pleaded, trying to shove the rivulets of tears off of my face. They came too quickly, though. This hurt like I couldn't believe. I wasn’t telling him to stop- I was telling myself to stop overreacting. I was telling myself to stop comparing the crimson of his blood to the crimson of the blood I’d seen in the past.

"When we went on the rolly coaster, you looked at me like was the motherfucking exception to your rule! Am I wrong?" He sneered. My heart felt like it was getting run over by a truck. He couldn’t bring that up. He was telling the truth. I had let him in at that moment. My guard had come loose and I’d leaned on him while I was scared, nervous, and afraid. He couldn’t hold that against me! He had only known me for a little over 24 hours and he already knew me better than anyone at school. I’d been going to school with those people since I was in fifth grade, and Deck had cracked me before any of them had.

"No, you’re not wrong," I whispered, shaking my head sadly. I wished he was wrong. That would make my life so much easier.

"So fucking stop! Just let me be your exception!" He said spitefully. I winced. Why was he so determined to be my exception? I couldn’t have an exception! That was the whole point of the rule! He was special to me, but I couldn’t exactly give up everything I’d believed in just for him. Yet… I wanted to. I wanted to throw away all of the careful walls I’d set in place after the Incident. I wanted to tell him everything and have him comfort me and- Stop it! I told myself. You can’t afford such luxuries! Stop being so selfish!

"I can't. I can't have friends! Just let me treat your wounds!" I yelled back at him. He didn't even flinch at my words.

"Not until you promise. Let me be your exception." He hissed. His voice was laced with pure, unadulterated menace. It didn’t scare me, though. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. It scared me more that he would hurt himself.

"No!" I choked out, reaching for his arm again. Deck yanked his arm away, using the shard of glass to open up a new rip his arm. I screamed so loudly it hurt my vocal chords. She was laughing, pressing and pulling. I could only stand there in agonized fascination. What was she doing? Why was she laughing. Then he crumpled and I took off- STOP STOP STOP! She was still laughing, this amused cackling noise. I hated him and I loved him, and she was laughing! I kicked at her hold on me- I tried to focus on Deck’s eyes. Purple, like lavender. Calming lavender. Gray like storm clouds, swarming the sky and obscuring the blue. Purple like my favorite color. Purple like Deck’s eyes.