Lead Me Out of the Dark

Powder Paradise

“Skye, wake up,” a voice exclaimed. My eyes opened slowly. It was Linda. She was leaning over my bed with a cup and something in her palm. It took me a moment to process what was going on.

                “You have to take your-” She began.

                “Shhhh!” I hushed her. I looked carefully over at Deck. He looked like he was asleep. I let out a breath of relief.

                “Sorry. I don’t want Deck to know,” I exclaimed. Linda twisted her lips to the side, as if she was contemplating something. I took the little white pill and downed it.

                “There are two this morning. You missed your dose last night. You’re normally very on top of things,” Linda said, lifting her hand so that I could see the other pill. I groaned. I had missed the dose last night because I was busy taking care of Deck.

“I had to do something yesterday,” I said. My eyes found their way to Deck’s sleeping body before I could stop myself. He was so peaceful in his sleep.

“I could tell. I didn’t know you two were so close,” Linda commented. She sat down on the edge of my bed. I winced internally. I liked Linda, but she was too easy to talk to. I always ended up sharing more than I wanted to when we talked.

“We aren’t,” I assured her immediately. “I just… I care about him. I’m not going to let him be alone like I…” I trailed off immediately. What was the end of my sentence? Like I used to be? Like I am now? Linda’s eyes flashed and I knew I’d made her feel pain. She felt sympathy for me, which was something I didn’t need.

“Have you told him about the incident?” She asked, brushing her hair behind her hair. It was always falling in her face, yet she never put it in a ponytail holder. She claimed it made her look old.

“No, no, like I said, we aren’t that close. But…he’s different, Linda. I know he is. I…” I trailed off again, taking another sip of the water she’d provided. I cursed her for being so easy to talk to. She was just so caring, so unassuming, and she never judged any of the people she took in. Hell, she never judged anyone.

“You want to take care of him, but you don’t want him to care about you?” Linda asked. She was like a mind reader sometimes.

                “Yeah,” I admitted my voice barely above a whisper.

                “That’s not fair to you,” Linda decided. She pursed her lips thoughtfully. I shrugged, looking at the white pill in her hand. I hated taking two doses. They made me exhausted beyond repair. I was slow to react to things, and my mind processed things very slowly, yet I did have to make up the dose. I lifted the pill to my tongue and swallowed ruefully.

                “Life isn’t fair. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t want to push him away, but I don’t want him to be close to me… So I decided I’ll take care of him. He doesn’t have to be alone. Suffering in silence, with no one to turn to… it’s the worst kind of Hell,” I whispered.

                “Aw, Skye, don’t say that. You have me,” She said, wrapping me in an uncomfortable hug. I hated when she said things like that. She only meant the best, but empty consolations like that were a trigger for me. She had no idea how desolate that made me feel. She had no idea what it was like. She could never be there for me a hundred percent, because she had no idea what it was really like. She could only provide empty promises.

                “How have you been? Has the medicine been helping?” Linda asked. I shrugged, stepping out of bed. This conversation was over as far as I was concerned. I couldn’t speak any longer. She must have sensed the change in my mood, because she nodded quietly, making her way out of the room. I managed to get changed before the shaking started. I grabbed my iPod, smashing the earbuds into my ears with shaking hands. The first song to come on was Who Are You Now by Sleeping with Sirens. Who are you now? I don’t know! Do you say what you want I can’t tell Linda the truth: that the medicine isn’t working as well as she thought it did. Don’t go back to the start.  I’m not like I used to be! I was sobbing openly now. I’m asking you who are you now? Did they break you apart/ won’t you fight for what you want? Okay, fine. You’ve fucking broken me! Mom, you win! I screamed mentally.