Always

Six

SIX

I have a boyfriend; I can never get tired of saying this because it feels like he’s my first boyfriend, like ever. I can’t explain but it’s liberating. I’ve never felt this way and I don’t have to hide, I mean not really because my friends can’t know about him but still - not from my mother. I feel so entitled when it comes to him. I feel like he’s mine and I don’t have to stake any claim because he’s the one that emphasizes on that.  
We talk every day so we know how each of our day is. We text all the time and every time I think something is funny or I see something weird, I text him. He’s like all my social media accounts only I’m sure he cares what I think. He does the same, sort of, I mean he hides most of the details about where he is or who he’s talking about but he does let me in on the situations.
So I should also state that I have a best friend. That’s right, he’s like everything to me.
            Everything has been going rather swell for me. I’m about to finish my certificate. I got enrolled after a lot of convincing from Niko, not because I didn’t want to farther my education but because I didn’t want to be financially dependent on him. I lost that fight but it’s not as bad as it sounds. He’s lending it all to me until I’m in a position where I can pay it back. It’s like a scholarship.
            But that wouldn’t explain my apartment or the car but still, I’ll pay it back someday right?
            Over the past few months I've managed to not only have time to properly prioritise my education but to also make friends. I feel like I have the most friends I've ever had, sure I still talk to a friend or two here and there but with me running away from my uncle I've had to forgo a lot of old ties.
I'm glad I have people to hang out and eat lunch with, it makes my life a little less lonely.
             No matter how good life has been, long distance relationships still suck ass. There are days where I feel as though I should give up but I persevere because it’s worth it. It’s worth it because I don’t think that I could ever feel this way about another person and nor do I want to.
Classes ended an hour ago and some of my friends and I are at our favorite diner near campus. We were all done eating half an hour ago but we always get carried away talking. I have my two, closest friends; Aisha Juma and Naomi Macha with me, there are a few guys who are in our discussion groups and a roommate of Aisha’s. It’s usually like this, the 7 of us laughing out loud or complaining about a test.
It’s quite different from my learning experience in secondary school. Back then I spent so much time in my head and never fully participated in class activities. It didn't help that Ma fell sick as soon as I started form 1. I barely had time to care about my studies let alone committing to having friends.
When I hang out with these people I feel like I am one of them, one of the students, I am carefree, I don’t have to worry about my next meal or where the school fees will come from. I used to be so self conscious about how faded my uniform was. All the girls used to shorten their skirts but I had to wear a short one because we couldn’t afford to get me a new one. I remember how often I got caned for not having such a short skirt, the lump in my throat whenever that happened.
But sitting here, I feel like all that was in the distant past. Like I got reincarnated and this is my new life. Surreal.
“Kuna mtu kaanza kuangalia simu, mnajua anakaribia kuondoka.” Saleh, one of the boys says. I roll my eyes at him and check the time again.
I have an hour to get home and get ready for my facetime with Niko.
“Saleh, asante umeanzisha mada kwahiyo kilichobaki ni mimi kuondoka.” 
We all start to get up, I give Aisha, Naomi and Pili a ride and then I go back home. I live fifteen minutes away from campus so I have enough time to freshen up before Niko’s call comes through.
He’s late so I decide to call him, just to piss him off because he always tells me not to. I like to piss him off because some of his promises never fall through. Like how he said he will be here this month but it’s the 29th of June.
He picks up on the second ring which means he is in bed and I just woke him up “A little too early, love.” His hair is tousled and falling on his face, his eyes are a little swollen from the sleep but he still looks super cute. But his voice is deep with sleep and it makes him sound so sexy. 
“I wouldn’t know because you won’t tell me where you are,”
“You know that this time is inappropriate, I am in the same time zone I was in yesterday.” I woke him up yesterday as well.
“You love my wake up calls,” I make my voice extra sweet.
He laughs lightly “You missed me?”
“You know I do more than miss you,”
“It really won’t be long until you see me, I promise.” I haven’t seen him since almost a year ago when he kissed me and told me we were going to date for the long haul. He wanted to come to help me pick out the car as well because I kept insisting on getting a more conspicuous car but he ended up sending his butler Paulsen instead. And Paulsen only wanted to look at Range Rovers ("From this year, please," he kept saying to whatever option I tried to suggest). I've seen Paulsen more than I've seen him, if you count the first time I met him in Arusha.
“I want to believe you, I do. But you’ve been saying that for months now.”
He changes the subject and asks me how my day went because my day is ending just as his is starting. I already had my classes, I had the car washed and am now talking to him before I prepare dinner and maybe watch a movie on Netflix. Yes, I can afford Netflix now. The reason why I call him so early is so that I can get him to watch something with me. Usually when he has nothing booked for the morning, he watches me cook and we watch a movie together. But he's been too busy of late.  
He is a busy man, I get now why he refers to himself and his parents as entities but I am yet to know what kind of entity they are. He sure does work like one. Nikolai is constantly in flights and rarely in the same country. He has an assistant (Christopher, not Chris) who I’ve heard ask him to stop talking on the phone so many times I know his voice.
The only thing I know for sure is that he is old money so I’m guessing he is part of some aristocratic family. I mean why else does he have so much security and so many people despite not being a billionaire. And yes I checked. I’m still brushing through the millionaire’s list. It would be very helpful if he gave me his last name but he doesn’t want me to know and he knows I won’t keep my promise not to google him. He’s right. I google him every night and the only interesting person I find named Nikolai whenever I google him is Prince Nikolai from Denmark.
I want to believe that all of this is fate so I am honestly glad that Uncle sent me there that night. I’m glad I ran out of that room and ran into his arms. I am glad and almost happy.
I mean I would be much happier if I could see Nikolai every day.
But I'll settle for a simple night in because he has time today, I go to the kitchen then transfer the call to my PC so I can cook while we talk. He loves watching me cook. He also loves my cooking even though he is yet to taste any of it. We both settle down in our respective sofas when I’m done cooking. He ordered room service so he’s also having breakfast. We agree to watch some French movie that Nikolai loves, it’s barely two hours long so we set up our phones and laptops and watch it. We don’t get to finish the movie because his assistant, Christopher, the one who is in charge of his day to day activities, cuts our night/morning short.
I wish him a nice day and then like always, I sleep hugging my pillow wishing it was him.
And the days go by, some days I’m simply gratified that the person I wake up is also the person that wakes me up. Other days I feel like I want more. But through it all I can’t believe that I can love someone this much. He tells me all about him so that I know who he is in a way that very few people around him do, but I still don't get to know some of the most basic things about him like his last name.
It’s 12th of July, exactly one week from my birthday and somehow it is just now hitting me that not only will this be my first birthday without Mama, it will be my loneliest yet because of how my life is right now. The most important person to me is in some other country and honestly that just feels like enough to make this the worst birthday ever.  
Maybe it’s that thought that makes me force the loneliness into my life. It does feel forced but it also feels like it’s been lurking around the corner this entire time. Maybe that’s why I don’t call Nikolai the next day. He texts me when he gets up but I pretend to be asleep. I don’t pick up his wake up call either. It’s a full thirty six hours before I decide to even send him a message.
A part of me feels like I am being ungrateful. Another part of me feels like I need a little space so that I don’t tether my happiness to him. There’s another part that is aware that it is too late for that. 
 He calls the minute my message is delivered. I don’t want to pick up but I know that he is calling at inappropriate hour i.e an hour when someone can hear him talking to me, meaning he is risking his grand plan for us to talk. I pick up.
“Hey,” I sound bored but that’s just how I sound when I don’t want to talk to someone.
“Are you alright?” his speech is rushed which is rare for him because he is just so poised.
“I’m fine, you don’t have to worry.”
“I don’t have to worry?” he enunciates every word like he isn’t sure he should be saying it “Is that all you’re going to say?”
I’ll be honest here and say I know how to keep this from being a fight but I am tired of being docile and saying yes even when I want to say no, even when I wanted to disagree or do something differently “Is there something I should say?”
“How about apologizing for one,”
“Apologize for what exactly?” I still sound bored which I could tell was infuriating him.
“For being absolutely silent when you knew I had no way of knowing whether you were fine or not?”
“If I have to apologize for keeping you in the dark for those few hours, how much apologizing do you have to do?”
“Oh Lord, not this again.”
“Yes, this again Nikolai, you could have a woman, you could be married for all I know and you wouldn’t tell me. You will do everything for me but tell me your full name? And we are in a relationship? Who does that? Who gets themselves in a relationship like this? Who puts up with not knowing and not being able to see the person they lo-” ve.
I can feel the tears prickling my eyes but I try to hold them back even though there is no one here to see me cry. I feel so stupid sometimes because I am doing this. I am trusting this stranger to be faithful to me even when he won’t tell me one conclusive detail of his life. I feel stupid because I feel that only a fool would get themselves into a situation like this. Only a fool would fall in love like this. Only a fool would let those foolish words fall out of their mouths.
“War,” that’s his nickname for me. I can hear it in his voice; he knows I have tears in my eyes. He knows I hate crying in front of people or on the line where people can hear. He knows what I was about to say “I know that this is hard for you-”
“Then please, make it easier, please.” it’s really hard to talk when you’re trying not to cry. My voice sounds choked and weak, I loathe it.
He sighs, I hear someone speak over the line, his assistant; he covers his phone and talks to him. When he gets back I expect him to tell me we’ll talk later but he doesn’t instead he asks “What do you want me to do?” he sounds defeated; his voice makes me feel like a nagging wife. Like how our neighbours mama Jamila and Baba Jamila used to fight until Baba Jamila realized he couldn’t win so he would ask his wife how to appease her.
“Come and see me, tell me your name, say the names of the places you go to.”
I hear him thinking, I can hear the words before he says them “I want to, I do but you know why I have to keep those things from you.”
That’s the thing, I don’t know because I feel as if we’re ready for this. “I’m scared of entering your world if it needs this much secrecy.”
He sighs the same way he did before like he’s fighting a losing battle.
“Look, fine, whatever. Just let me deal with being in the dark the way I want to. I’ll talk to you when I feel better about my circumstance.”
“You’re still angry,”
“Of course I am!” My voice is too high so I bring it down an octave “If all you knew about me was my first name -” I sigh, we have had this argument more than once, I mean it all started after the car and the new apartment. He led me to believe that if accepted those changes I would get to see him more often, so it’s his fault.
“I know its hard darling, but this is for us.”
A tear finally falls “Yeah,” I say wiping it away as more tears rapidly fall “We’ll talk when I’m feeling better.”
“I’ll do my best to come and see you, I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”