During the worst time in her life Waridi meets Nikolai and despite all the things that are going wrong, Nikolai becomes the only thing that's going right. But are they really meant to be? Is the difference between them too great?
Are Waridi and Nik...
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I try to change his mind but Nikolai doesn't speak without intent. He doesn't take his words back or stay. He's gone in a matter of minutes and I have no way of reaching him or bringing him back.
I spend the rest of the week trying to contact him. His phone is off, he doesn't reply to my texts (not that he gets them as there's only one tick).
A whole week passes before I remember Paulsen. I feel utterly useless by then because how could I not think of Paulsen. He could talk to Niko, could tell him to get back to me.
My situation (the whole breaking the internet) doesn't help me. The song that we did with Von actually makes it billboard hot 100 (at number 99 but still it's something, as a matter of fact it's so big that both Von and Noah are meeting people who are interested in turning them into professional musicians). A part of me wonders if this is what Nikolai meant when he was here but I haven't had time to talk to anyone. I wouldn't care if anyone was trying to meet with me. I barely care enough to attend my classes. The amount of assignments that is piling up is sickening but nothing is occupying my mind the way that Nikolai's silence is. I don't even want to think of what his last words to me were.
I'm glad I finally thought to call Paulsen but my relief washes away the moment the operator informs me that I can't reach the line. I decide to send a text and call him four more times before I go back to calling Nikolai like I've been doing all week.
I used to think that letting yourself fall apart after a breakup was a sign of weakness, a lot like what I think crying is but I can't help but fall into this abyss. I don't pick up my own phone, I only know people are calling because I'm constantly having to hang up and call Nikolai.
All of my friends (even the ones back in Tanzania) are telling me how worried they are. Every other day, Ridley would show up to check on me but I wouldn't go to the door.
I just want to take it all back. Being away from Nikolai when all I want is to see or at the very least know all I want to know about him is hard but nothing is as hard as this. And maybe this is why it was all so hard, looking at how easy he could cut me off, at how easily he could disappear.
I try Paulsen again. Still offline.
I sink back into bed and close my eyes.
I don't even know what time it is when I open them. I know I'm hungry, and as melodramatic as I have been these last few days - weeks according to my calender - I don't forgo my meals. In fact I have been eating more than usual. I don't even know if I've gained weight because that's how out of it I have been.
I wish I was focused when I was in this funk. I wish I was as depressed as the characters on television are; that my days were sleeping, crying and sleeping. But I still wake up, still manage to move despite this...breakup. I even have the strength to clean my place. The only thing I can't seem to do is leave my place, see Ridley or talk to anyone.
