Always

Twenty Eight

Twenty Eight

"Where did you go?"

Nikolai came back home before me. He's watching the tv when I finally see him. He's in his home attire - a white t-shirt and gray sweats.

"Hmmn," I take of my coat and sit on his lap, I wrap my hands around his neck "missed me?"

He looks away from the t.v. and into my eyes "What kind of none answer is that? Did you meet my mother?"

"Did I?" 

He cradles me, I can feel how warm he is "Did she tell more of what she did yesterday?" Everyday ever since our engagement, Elizabette has made it her job to call and convince me not to go with it. Her favourite argument is "What if he hates you for taking this away from him? Men like him need their women to be stronger than them. Like I was." After three straight days of hearing that line it was getting old - and sinking in.

"It wasn't your mother..."

"It definately wasn't my father." Because he was with him today, as one of the benefactors and planners of the charity event.

I laugh at that "Your father has said all but two words to me."

"So what did she say?"

"It wasn't her. It was Felix." I feel him tense.

"You don't have to worry." I say and look him directly in the eyes "But are you sure?"

He narrows his eyes "Sure about what?"

"About everything," I touch the side of his face "You're giving up a lot."

"I'm not giving up on anything."

I look away from him but maybe I didn't look away fast enough because he says "Not this." He gently moves me off of him and stands.

The same fight, over and over again. That's us.

"I didn't say anything."

"You don't have to." He turns the t.v. off.

"Niko," I roll my eyes.

"It's already hard enough if I'm fighting everyone else about us. I don't want to fight you too."

"I'm not fighting you."

"But you agree with them."

I look away from him "I just...I think you can have it all. So I don't understand why you don't want to."

"Have it all?"

"Be king, and still be with me. We just don't have to get married."

He's visibly trying to reign in his anger.

"Most guys would love it if their partner gave them this option."

Now he's glaring at me. I sigh.

"I'm just saying. It's an option."

"I don't want options. I just want you." He says and leaves me in the living room. I decide to let him have his space and spend more time in the living room watching the t.v. even though its off.
Maybe it's getting to me. Maybe it's always been getting to me.

Maybe...maybe this was never even meant to be.

Always?

What a joke. Me and Nikolai - that's not even his real name, Felix has the same third name - have always had issues between us. First it was the distance, the not knowing and after I knew it was the secrecy and now this.

It's more than getting married. It's how hard it will be. How hard it is. The stares. The straightened hair. The none tight clothes. The judgment. How I feel like an outsider. An imposter.

Or how incessant that sinking feeling is growing.

I hug my legs and place my chin on my legs.

I think back to weeks ago when I said I'd stay.

I hug my legs tighter.

I'll stay.

"You coming?" Niko asks peaking through the door.

"Hm?"

"To have dinner?"

"Carry me?"

"When did you become so lazy?" He says as he makes his way towards to me. I lift my arms and he takes me into his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck.

"How about we skip dinner?"

"But I made chicken."

"Did you even season it?"

"You seasoned it. I just heated it."

"Right." He puts me down when we get to the dining table.

"Doesn't it smell good?" He puts some on my plate.

I smile and we have a quiet dinner and even a quiet night, with no argument and the ease we manage to skip over our issues scares me. Are we so used to putting our problems under the rug?
But I wrap my arms around him even as I think about that. And he hugs me back.

After that I decide to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I leave. Not just away from him but I cut myself from his life. I don't call or take his calls. I change my number and have everyone ignore him too.

The last words I ever said to him were written on a note he probably found when he got back home.

I'm helping you make the right choice.

Most of the time, I'm not sure if I am right in my decision. But maybe what Felix said truly left a mark on me. I think of how he would feel if he lost me that way, if they did in fact try to kill me. The royal house is an institution after all, they're capable of anything. So why play with fire when we can have it all.

The plan now is for him to accept his new role. To marry. And then if he wants, he can have me. As dark as it might be this is the best option for us.

I fly out to LA and do a number of interviews before the Grammys. It's tough answering questions when every one is asking about a past I don't want to talk about. So there are a number of tense laughs and soft jab.

But it has to be done so I do.

Every acts like they're walking on eggshells around me. Even Maria.

"It's because you haven't cried," Ridley tell me but why would I cry in front of people? I know this isn't really over. I'm just doing what's best for the one I love.

And then I pretend that everything didn't happen.

Elizabette calls to thank me. Marri calls to chastise me to leaving her brother. I still have the ring he gave me, I still wear it on my neck instead of my finger. I'm just...forcing his hand.

I don't stay anywhere long enough for me to be tracked down. Not that Niko can fly all the way out here with his duties overseeing the charity games he started .

At the end of the day he is a prince first.  Anything else second. 

And I might cry every night but I know I made the right choice. I could never take away his future. Not after all that he's given me.