Not My Fairytale.

Chapter 1: October 28, 2021

Wrote on: October 28, 2021    7:50 am

Hi self! Musta ka? Are you doing just fine?

There's a lot of things troubling me. In this crucial time on my first year of college, I'm starting to think, perhaps Nursing isn't for me or rather the medical field isn't for me. In reality, I'm having a hard time but the good thing is that I'm starting to get the hang of it and somewhat enjoying the process. Enjoying the process because I know I'm blessed enough to study nursing. The problem is that (mayda ko mga inaabat) I am experiencing some symptoms and I'm starting to get suspicious of my body. (Ito na mga aches danay haak bone) Sometimes, my bone aches, how may times in a day on both sides of my head feels heavy for no particular reason I know of, or how there is (mayda) appearance of dark and weird spots around my left nipple which is continuously spreading to the armpit region and how these spots are also appearing on my right boob. I'm getting suspicious ever since my lola passed away, I became conscious of my body and also because of the fact that I am a nursing student.  (kay tikang an kamatay ni lola naging body conscious naak and syempre with the fact na I'm studying nursing gihapon).

Sometimes, I suddenly think of something. "What if I have cancer?" because I know that it is not entirely impossible. And sometimes I just want to normalize talking about these things to the point that other people won't call me as "overreacting" or that I am only "overthinking". But what if I am not overreacting?  What if it's true that I have some illness or worst, cancer just because I am not yet diagnosed. NORMALIZE talking about our physical well-being. Normalize talking about death, how we wanted to feel when we're almost dying or what we wanted to happen before the moment we pass away.

True enough dying is so scary because you will surely leave a lot of things behind. That includes your dreams, goals in life, friendship from the people who makes u feel accepted and loved, your family and of course the "future" you would have had if not for a sudden intervention in your life.

But this is my perspective:

Death itself is a peaceful and a beautiful

phenomena we are never going to be ready for.

It holds no pain, stress or resentment.

It holds comfort and love, I know.

The kind of peace and rest we all wanted to have

and sometimes we're unconsciously asking for that peace

But sadly, a peace so great as that

Comes with a considerable amount of suffering too 

My thought might seem useless to you reading at this moment

But for all I know, I was blessed with immense empathy

I was blessed with talents I never thought I had

until I was left alone sitting at the corner

Thinking that I was a useless piece of human being.

Unloved, not cared for, irrelevant, unworthy

And so if that day comes,

I know I am on to a battle worth fighting for

because at the end of the war is peace

and if that's what I'll be fighting for sooner or later,

it's okay. I know I will be okay

I am not overreacting 

I just know that this is my reality even without a diagnosis

Something I have to accept

In  another life,

I will be a doctor.

 Promise guys

And we'll around the world too

The most difficult thing there, is that you can't have that peace without suffering first. The suffering beforehand is what scares me. 

Because I have a low pain tolerance. I freak out on a simple cold or fever and that sucks. How much more if you have a serious illness right?