Time flies really, really fast. I didn't know that until this day came. Not that I'm totally free, but I have time to spare. A time to look back. A time for realizations to rush into my mind once again.
As I write this, I am teary-eyed. I am emotional as this goes deep to my heart. These thoughts I had days, weeks and months ago that I can't seem to put together in one beautiful passage.
How can this be beautiful when this is a sad reality?
In the past years of my existence, I have fantasized everything about life. Like I didn't want to stop living in the fairytale I created for my own. Admittedly, I am not a fan of acceptance, particularly about the reality of pain, imperfection and the unexpected that comes with being a human.
I'm a hypocrite I know. The one who goes around telling people to take care of themselves, to cherish the moments, to enjoy life as much as they could, and to not worry above anything else. That was so easy to say every time. But I realized, how can I follow the words I tell people? How do I convince myself not to worry about things that are bugging me from deep inside? How am I supposed to be okay if I don't even know where to start fixing myself? Or, How would I be okay if I know that there was no way to fix myself to begin with?
Am I vague? I guess I am
I've came across so many different kinds of people in this life. One thing we all have in common is that we all have our share of struggles, breakthroughs, misfortunes, and success. This idea was supposed to be comforting but it does not do well with me even if that's the case. All I could do was whisper in my mind that they are blessed and I know I am too. But why do I feel like I am carrying a whole dimension of heaviness and pain in my shoulders that are so tired. Was it meant to be like this? Maybe it is. I don't know. I am tired of thinking for what ifs.
As I am nearing to my limits, I am starting to think twice. Should I stop this path I am forcibly trying to make? Or should I keep going in case this was really where I'm meant to be? This internal battle drains me all the time. It never stops. A lot is at stake. It is surely a big deal for me, for my family and my future.
I am a good person I know it. But, why? Will this never ending questions be answered someday? This is mind-wrecking.
Once again, I am in a dilemma I can never seem to find the answer to.
YOU ARE READING
Not My Fairytale.
Non-FictionWhat do you think runs through the mind of a supposedly "healthy" person (Level 1 Nursing Student) who thinks she has cancer or another disease because of the genetic run down of her family and the symptoms she is experiencing? This is My Journal. I...
