Not My Fairytale.

13 Months

Written on: March 6, 2022    3:34 pm

Wow. I have come this far. How long can I still go?

I observed that majority of the people doesn't like to talk about death. True enough, death is a sad occurrence to people who are left behind. It causes overwhelming grief and depression for some time and I know that very well because I also have been in that road before.

Yes, I still had the rest of my family but losing a member made me feel like I'm walking on a deserted place as if there was no ending to the emptiness I was feeling. There was no joy for me and I can barely see the light in the darkness I was in. Now, I thought, how would it feel like to be permanently left by my family one by one as time goes by, or, how would it feel like to permanently leave them behind?

Have you noticed that I talk a lot about mortality? I have come to this point wherein my mind runs deep to what is real in this lifetime. To the point where life and death mattered to me when it isn't clearly my time yet, or am I wrong? Yes, I am wrong.

I forgot that we cannot decide for ourselves, for the things we are supposed to go through, for the people we are supposed to have and the life we think we should have.

I momentarily forgot that we are supposed to keep going on in this finite time without knowledge about what comes next after today. To keep standing even if problems makes us tremble in fear of being unable to overcome it.

It has already been 13 months of self-actualization. 13 months of crying in pain and fear for what's to come next for me. 13 months of anxiety. But, 13 months was fast and I just remembered how I went through a lot of pain and here I am writing my journal as if I almost overcame the fear of tomorrow.

Is this enough? Have I built a strong foundation for myself to stand on when the wind starts to blow my life away again? I always have these questions in my mind. One day I am weak and another I am strong-willed because nothing is for sure. I'm frustrated but you'll never see me that way because I know I'm good at pretending as if everything is okay.

These days, I keep losing motivation and hope but then I keep waking up and working again and again. And everyday I ask myself, "What can I do today that would make me a better person tomorrow?" I always only had one answer in my mind -- I will keep reminding myself that tomorrow may never come and that I should be happy today no matter how hard it takes.

When there is joy, I have fear of it being robbed away by fear and anxiety.

When there is sadness, I struggle to get up but I still do so.

When everything feels okay, I get fear of everything falling out of my control someday.

When everything feels difficult, all I want is someone to listen and understand.

When I laugh, I just wanted to hide the pain.

When I cry, I just know it was to hard and it was not mine to carry.

When I talk, I feel empowerment and control over my life.

When I am silent, my mind can't stop from overthinking.

When I am alone, I remember the good times was already done.

When I am with my loved ones, all I can think of is to capture the moment and make sure this memory never slips my mind so that it remains clear forever.

When I study, I feel tired but I keep in mind that this is the only thing I can do for now and it's okay.

When I sleep, all I could think of is leaving behind the pain and fear of yesterday, to move on for tomorrow because life will never stop moving and so I know I shouldn't hold myself back and just keep moving as long as I can.

As I write this, I am sitting in front of my study table with my legs crossed. The windows are open and windy air is flowing inside. How peaceful this is. All I could hear is the occasional blow of the wind and the birds chirping near the window. There is no sun. It is cloudy and it's about to rain. After the peace comes rain. Just like the downpour of my tears, it also stops and goes back. A never-ending process it is.

This is why I know my rainbow is yet to come. 

Maybe not now, but I know someday it'll come.