Not My Fairytale.

Chapter 14: January 30, 2022

Wrote on: January 30, 2022   

Take Me Out of the Dark by Gary Valenciano

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It is already 5 pm in the afternoon. We went to Robinsons Mall to buy some things and to do some grocery shopping since we will be having our quizzes and exams the next two weeks. 

As we walked through the entrance passage, excitement was not how I felt. I felt uncomfortable. 

Gone are the days where I can roam the mall without feeling bad physically 

Now, I'm having a mini anxiety attack

As we were walking to go to Mang Inasal to eat first, I unconsciously breathed hard which then caused my upper left chest to suddenly ache. It felt as if a knife was stabbed in that area. At that moment I was thinking of bad scenarios. That I would possibly pass out or have an internal bleeding that would cause me to be in a critical condition and die. 

See? I overthink a lot. Because that's what runs on a person who has high functioning anxiety. Everything feels like a threat. Everything feels foreign and scary. Everything feels uncomfortable. 

We went up to the elevator and talked about random things. As we neared Mang Inasal, which was located on the second floor, we first scanned our QR codes on the scanner. 

An uncomfortable feeling was settling on my stomach. My chest felt tight but I tried to keep my composure. I was conscious with my breathing that it felt like it was labored. It wasn't effortless. 

We then took our orders and sat at our designated table which was table 16.

While we were waiting, I was feeling uneasy. I was feeling restless. The tightness of my chest didn't go away. There was something that was making me feel weak, nervous and uneasy. I was thinking what it was and I remembered this is anxiety waving at me again. 

My head was pounding and every time my friend, whom I'm boarding with, talks to me or makes me laugh, I didn't really have the voice and strength to do so but I still did to cover what I was feeling deep inside.  

I can recall. I used to like the coldness of the aircon whenever I enter the mall. It was always my greatest joy as a kid. Even by the time we are still going to have a 1 hour travel into the mall, I was feeling so excited as I dress up and as I sit comfortably in the car waiting to arrive to our destination. I was not spoiled but I was provided with not just my needs but also my wants.

My grandparents, whom I felt extremely close with, buys me toys other kids doesn't have, clothes and dresses that would be something every young girl would like, and I was bought with everything I needed as a child studying at a private elementary school. 

As I'm sitting here in Mang Inasal, waiting for our food to be delivered, I decided on something.

I will buy a wireless earphone because music is one of my greatest escape from reality, pain, and anxiety. This may sound lame and, maybe, weird for some but you'll never know unless you get there. 

I hate noise, but I also hate silence.

I hate noise because it makes my ear ring like crazy.