Sam and Deena B.S.F (Before Sarah Fier)

Sam Fraser Part 13

FEBRUARY

It's been a few weeks since the night I met Dad's girlfriend and when I revealed that Simon and I were 'dating'. Dad told Mom about us and I've noticed they've had their guard up less when Deena comes around, which is great. Although, the reason why is mainly because Dad's been spending more time in Sunnyvale and Mom has been working late hours, most likely to avoid home. I'm not complaining though, the house hasn't been this quiet in a long time. I needed a break from my parents.

I get home from Kate's house to find Mom's coat and purse in the walkway. I look around the kitchen and see Mom heating up leftovers on the stove.

"Hey. You want some?" She asks, she sounds exhausted.

"No, it's okay, I ate at Kate's."

"Who dropped you off?"

"Deena." I say, and I can tell the thought of Deena and I being anything more than friends passes over Mom, but she lets it go.

"Valentines' is coming up. Do you have any plans with Simon?" I froze, face furrowed, instantly forgetting he's my fake boyfriend.

"Oh, oh, yes, um-- no, yeah, no we haven't talked about it yet. I'm sure we'll do something."

"Sounds like fun, what you two have. You should invite him over, I'd love to meet the boy."

"Sure thing, Mom. I'll get right on it." I turn around to go upstairs, exiting this conversation any way I can.

"You've changed haven't you?" I turn around, confused.

"Changed? What do you mean?" I ask.

"You just seem more like you. I don't know what it is."

She isn't wrong. I have changed a lot. If you were to compare me from this time last year to me now, it's a drastic difference. I guess I never really thought about how my parents perceived me in the last couple of months, only because I assumed they were too focused on their own downfall. I just didn't think they cared that much or even noticed me.

"You're out with friends everyday, you're on the cheer squad, you passed all your finals. You know, you're really making yourself into something. It's good, it's good to see someone in the family growing." What's that supposed to mean? Is she trying to get me to feel sorry for her?

"It's just a rough patch, Mom." Didn't think rough patches lasted this long though.

"It's Simon, isn't it?" She asks.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm thinking it's Simon that's made you more you. Ever since you met the boy, it's been like this."

"Totally." I sulk my teeth in and try to play it cool. I nod and turn around to go upstairs.

"I'm pretty tired. Goodnight, Mom."

I drag my feet up the stairs, disgusted by that talk. I love Simon but to hear my mom talk about him and me in that way makes me want to throw up.

I get ready for bed and slide under my covers. My mind starts to wander like it does when this overwhelming silence comes before bed, and I start thinking of what it would be like if my parents knew about Deena and I but they didn't have a problem with it. I think of the possibility Deena could come over and I didn't have to sneak her anymore. I think of the family dinners we'd have, the trust my parents would have for me, the trust they'd have for Deena too. I could tell my parents about how much she means to me and rather than exploding on me, they'd be happy for me. Part of me wants to be able to live that life, the life of freedom. All I want to do sometimes is kiss Deena in public, almost to declare that we are together. But, I know that isn't possible. I know I don't have the guts to ever express how I feel about Deena in public. I've thought it over, and I think it's more special. It's a secret. It's our own thing, it isn't anyone else's and that's how it should be, even if it means sacrificing a normal life just for us to love in secret. But the immense feelings of what our life would be like if we were to be ourselves to others seems to shadow everything else. It haunts me that the truth could come out if we slip up. Fantasizing about my ideal life won't change the reality of it all, and the reality of it all is that if we were ever caught, my ideal life would stay a forever dream.