I'll Lose You in the Stars

Little Valley Girl

To the Little Cali Girl from The Valley, my most long-lasting enemy,

and the fastest love I ever acquired for a soul,

Your six letters are still stained on my keyboard and

the indent of your face still wrinkles my paper whenever I write

because words are stitched with hearts and these needles remember,

that the jagged pattern of pain is so much easier than the trace of everything else,

Still, seven years later, mine still remembers the young face of

the single girl I almost genuinely hated, the one girl,

I believed was made of nothing more than mean and makeup,

A****a, you are the final word to punctuate late nights

the last scrape of ink, indent of key, is always reserved for you,

by a peer you wrinkled your nose, and directed dramatic gasps at,

and, I imagine, when I feel your memory, ice hiding in my bones,

when a swish of long black hair passes by or,

when a nasally laugh, a school-rule-breaking bubblegum flavored giggle, rings out,

when a spoon curves around a generous scoop of cream cheese frosting,

when teens clink their plastic grown-up cups and disco lights web rooms like nets,

I'm sure that it is your six letters, tiny embers, that are still burning on the minds of

H*****r, the girl you hissed and clawed at, like a cat, in Freshman biology,

Mr. K*****a, the cheery man who welcomed you into the fifth grade and into our state,

your freshman biology teacher, who wasn't afraid to cry when

she stiffly walked to the front of the room and announced you had died,

the girl who may not ever recall delivering the final blow

but will always be stained by that one kick to the head,

your fellow partiers, who believed they were hiding a hammered teen

not a body that would be tucked underground, a face

that would stamp the local newspapers and stomp out all remaining youthful ignorance,

B****a, your brunette twin that was glued to your hip

until some alcohol and jealousy ripped you two apart,

your mother and father, who couldn't figure out how to continue

living together, when you were no longer a part of their family equation,

B****a, your first friend here, the only one you

always sat next to in class, and shared your cupcake frosting cones with,

Since the 9th of May, and for some, maybe even before then,

We have all wept, whispered woefully, for the Little Cali Girl.

Seven years later, I still regret my poisonous thoughts, words, made towards you,

Seven years later, I still regret refusing to see past the

nasty comments, actions, you loaded, aimed, fired, at so many,

Seven years later, I still regret not realizing the lonely, loved, person,

the fearless, strong, assertive girl, friend, daughter, student, sister, foe, the

human, that you were, a human lovingly handcrafted, just like me,

Now, when I lay in my bed and stare up at the popcorn ceiling,

the rattling window, the dull blink from the string of Christmas lights,

like a scratched record, achingly, softly, call out your name,

the silence sings of you and in the lyrics I always hear myself asking,

Little Valley Girl, where are you? 

Little Cali Girl, why aren't you laughing?

Are you still lying on your stone pillow? Are you still lying in the back of that car?

Don't you know we love you? Now we know we love you,

We never cared to know you, we never cared to show you,

What we wished we could do now, at a time that's seven years too late.

Note: I don't own any of the media used. All credit goes to their creators! I'll try to credit the artists if I know who they are. Please me know if you recognize any media used so I can give their creators credit.