right journey, But wrong destination

chapter four

 Black was the only color i could see, but I wonder why people wear black, it’s not like the color will bring back the deads, and I never understood the thing about funerals, but all I could say is that they’re not for the dead, they’re for the livings.

I was supposed to say a word since I was the only person who was really close to her in the past years,
though there were years since I saw her. I didn’t really know what to say but I knew that I had to make everyone feel better
“in her past years though I wasn’t beside her, she was living young, happy, and she never really cared about the negatives, she was confortable and she had her happy moments…” I was trying not to seem weak, and even tried to lie to myself.
I looked around, watching people I’ve never seen in Mrs. Hamsworf’s house crying in front of the crowd, trying to make a scene. I don’t understand why?
Why would they do that? Why would they cry over someone they never really cared about?
Nobody can ever know what’s inside someone else, we only acknowledge what we see in our eyes, and we are always scared of what we can’t explain.
People came to me hugging and caring. I don’t want that, it’s not what I need right now.
I don’t know what’s going to happen by now; I’ve never seen a funeral, even my parents. Well Mrs. Hamsworf didn’t allow me to, but I’m very thankful for that, because I've never experienced anything so sad. I don’t understand why would they do all of this, the crying and wearing black, and giving me condolences, I don’t need it, neither does Mrs. Hamsworf, she’s happier than she had ever been up there.
 Human are always selfish, they don’t cry for the dead, he’s happier than every living, but they cry for themselves, because they lost something precious they will never find again.
I had a silent drive to home, I was scared, not from life, but I didn’t want to end up lonely like she was.
Juice Newton’s voice was filling the air. Angel of the morning lyrics were helping me taking everything in.
I sat down in my bed at night, there were too many things I had to think about and I couldn’t even sleep
I wore my robe and my shoes and went to Mrs. Hamsworf’s house. The walk across the street was cold, but very silent. It’s exactly what I need right now, silence. It’s the best way to try and acknowledge everything.
Too many events were rolling one after another. It was too much and my body can’t take it anymore.
I thought I’ll feel better seeing what she left behind her before she died but it only made me feel worse. There was a freshly baked cake in the fridge and kitchen lights were still on.
I went upstairs and laid down on the bed and slipped my hand under the pillow and hugged it trying to save her scent before it disappears but I felt something under. I removed the pillow and saw a paper.

To Angelina…

I ran and turned on the light so I can see clearly.
I opened it slowly scared of what would be inside that paper and my eyes started taking in the word.

Take a deep breath before, it will calm down your mind, you will need it before you start reading this letter.
When you were 6 years old, you lost everything, but somehow, you were a happy child, always smiling to strangers, always confortable with life, and I spent most of my times trying to understand how? How a child that has nothing, has enough?  My investigation was finished last night so I wrote down what I understood about the child you were. You changed so much since you left. But you didn’t change that much. One of the most important things I loved about you is your happiness; the secret to happiness is the acceptance of yourself. Yours was not based on external status, how do I know? Because you never really had one. It was based on your internal state. You never really thought about life, you were just living, and you were such a proof that money is not happiness but the acceptance of yourself is. You were honest with yourself before anybody else. Your thoughts were different, they were reality, but you grew up so fast, that life started her actions hard, very hard. But, you still have your good heart, the heart which was broken a million times but is still strong.
But daughter, never forget, However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Time will change it, but as they say, give the time sometime. And always remember that life is a one and only chance to live, either you live it or you stay wondering why you had it.
I never taught I will be writing this to you, I always hoped I could say it to you, but you never really get what you want in this life.  Always be graceful and always make peace with your past.
I will love you till infinity runs out. Mom. Aka your Ms. Hamsworf

Oh my… I’m neuter right now, was it all about me, did she knew she was tired before I left for the run and wrote me down this? Oh my god, this is unbelievably crazy. Her words are so hard, right in the feels. She hit me hard, and when I finished the letter, tears were already pouring down my face, all this time I was searching for answers but turns out the answers were with me all the time. The solution to my problems was not something material. No, it was something more, something bigger. I can’t really explain my feeling; it’s something weird in my chest that’s burning so much.
A mix of sadness and hopelessness. Tears are a river on my face right now.
It’s times like this that you realize how blind you are. How, and for the weirdest reason, you never appreciate something till it’s gone, till it disappears and never comes back.
But you know what? Every one of us is blind somehow; it’s a god given thing. Nobody will accept that on himself, nobody would confess that he’s blind, but everybody is, even for the smallest deals. Nobody would realize he will be sad if he sees a dog dead on the road, but in fact, when he sees one, he will.
Every human being has a weak point; it’s what makes him a human. But somehow all of them are spending their lives trying to hide their weak points from each other that they forgot how to enjoy what’s really important, life.
I rolled in the bed till I drifted away sobbing and swimming in tears.
The next morning I heard a knock on the door that woke me up.
I stood out of bed looking at the clock, and then looking at the mirror, my god did they forget she was dead?
Or maybe somebody knows I’m sleeping here, but for some reason I don’t think somebody would care about me at the moment.
I made my way to the door wondering who it might be because honestly I’m not expecting any visitors neither does Mrs. Hamsworf. Well, not anymore.

I opened the door a little bit to peek out but it was in surprise that I automatically pull the door wide open and stood rotted to my spot
that is a very unexpected visitor, especially in my devastating time right now. 

I would like to dedicate this chapter to the great actress and comedian Betty White. 
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