Chosen // loki laufeyson

Chapter Thirty Four

Chapter Thirty Four

Lienna

I yawned. Dinner seemed to have lost its tight-knit family appeal, and I just wasn't hungry. It seemed as if everything was lackluster and it almost hurt my heart that motivation was slowly leaving me and I had no idea why.

I need to tell someone.

All I really wanted to do was sleep, but it seemed that was all I ever did. My mind was distant and my actions were slow and pointless.

It's just mood swings, right?

I didn't think mood swings were like this. I was moody, and I had episodes of panic and a deep lack of will to even think though that was all I ever did. This had to be something more than mood swings; however, it wouldn't surprise me if it was hormones.

I sighed, then caught myself quickly. The dinner guests still surrounded me, and if they noticed me they might ask questions I didn't have answers for.

Frigga glanced at me, motherly concern written in her sweet face. I frowned slightly back to her to show my discomfort. Inmediately she excused herself from the table and took me with her. Loki watched us and brushed his fingers against my hand as I left. Frigga pulled me into an unused room a few corridors away from the dining hall.

"Lienna, what is upsetting you? It troubles me to see you this way," she said, taking my hands in hers. Frigga's eyes had a way of sneakily pulling secrets out of you while relaxing you. It was terrifying and beautiful.

"I- I simply find myself lacking motivation now. I can't bring myself to do things or feel things and it just... it just hurts." I didn't mention my not eating, even though Frigga's quick run-over of my body told me she noticed.

She was quiet for a moment, sensing that what I gave her was the bare bones of the whole tale. The queen's maternal intuition was a skill I was envious of. She could seamlessly read into anything at all; a talent that would be endlessly useful for the mother of two gods.

"Is it Loki? Or is it feelings from inside you? If you don't love Loki as much as you used to, or even at all, it's okay to tell me and I will find you somewhere to go. Thor would be glad to help. If these are your own feelings, I can help you and tell Loki, but Lienna, I just want tou to feel at peace. I don't wish for you to be sad or afraid."

Was I afraid? My heart sped up at the thought of my own fears and anxieties and suddenly I realized why. Deep in my heart, I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified that Loki would lose interest in me. If Loki was no longer in love with me, I would have to hide away like Frigga said, and stay around Thor. I was afraid that I was doomed to be with someone I didn't love because the one I loved didn't love me.

Loki seemed to have lost interest lately; he rarely spoke to me and only ever held and or gave small gestures of affection. I stopped eating when I was afraid, and when I wasn't nourished, I couldn't do anything. Of course, this was all because of my fears. I wouldn't just let them go and finally be safe. I was so afraid.

So I pushed past one of my fears and told Frigga. I told her I was scared. I opened my soul to her and let her see my darkest fears even though every bone in my body said no and my mind yearned for me to stop.

I poured out my soul, something I swore I would never do. I spoke on and on and couldn't bring myself to stop. "I'm afraid of loving and afraid of losing the one I love. I've never seen a healthy relationship, I've never had the opportunity to court whoever I wanted. I've been forced into a very wrong relationship and one I want so badly to believe is right but I simply do not know. I'm afraid because Loki seems to not care for me and I nearly break down every day and I'm afraid he'll leave me because of that. I'm afraid because I am so sure it's love but I have no one to ask to see if it is and I'm afraid."