Chosen // loki laufeyson

Chapter Forty Seven

Chapter Forty Seven

Lienna

Cold air filled my lungs, like I had suddenly come back to life. I looked around nervously.

Loki was still asleep next to me, smirking in his sleep. I could only imagine what he could possibly be dreaming about, and knowing Loki, I didn't want to know.

I sighed, rubbing my face. I couldn't possibly sleep after a nightmare like that. It was a nightmare that was deeply rooted in emotional memories of my childhood; one that, even if I woke up and swore to myself it wasn't real, would never leave my subconscience and it would never stop haunting me.

Surely it couldn't be good for myself, to keep having these nightmares about myself, but I was simply too tired to do anything about it. Sadly, this was the kind of tired sleep couldn't fix.

"Lienna, what troubles you at an hour like this?" Loki asked, sitting up tiredly. He gently rubbed my back, and I couldn't help smiling at the seemingly insignificant gesture. The happy feeling dissipated when I remembered why I was awake in the first place.

"I..." Suddenly, all the built up emotion exploded inside of me. I couldn't keep it in, when all I wanted to do was scream it out so loud I mever felt again. "Why did the gods curse me this way? What wrongdoing did I commit to deserve the punishment of being infertile?"

It hurt to cry, it hurt to even think about. I felt ridiculous that I had broken down like this; it seemed to be a habit of mine, bottling up my feelings and worries and then releasing them in a violent storm. I felt more ridiculous that a subject such as this, one I had dealt with nearly my entire life, still shook me to the core.

Loki laughed lightly and tiredly. "Lienna, your poor heart has been through more than I can imagine, and it breaks mine to know this troubles you so much. Children are not something I need. I'm simply not the god that should have children of his own, though," he coughed awkwardly, "I have a few already... However, the only reason I might possibly need a child is for royalty purposes, and honestly, it's not a good enough reason to have your mental health deteriorate about.

"Obviously this problem won't be solved easily, but you don't have to struggle with it alone. The moment you agreed to marry me, you agreed to never suffer alone. I may not be the best husband out there, I'm certainly not perfect, but I know for sure that I can help you in whatever way it takes. You tell yourself you have to carry these things forever, by yourself, and that's simply not true."

I rested my head on his shoulder, steadying my breathing.

"I tell myself the same things. I feel as if I am not good enough for you. I'm a liar, and a monster, and no heir to a throne." He spit the words out as if they were poisonous, and in a way, they were. They twisted his mind and heart and mangled his self worth. Because of that, we were one and the same. Almost the same. Loki loved to be arrogant, whereas I was more reserved.

I jumped at the sudden spike of cold in the room. Loki was blue and upset, working himself into a fit of unreasonable anger.

I didn't try to coax him out of it; instead, I simply watched how he reacted. His fists were clenched tightly, emerald eyes turned scarlet and distant with bitterness almost entirely directed at Odin.

This was one of those knots of anger and fear we hid deep inside ourselves; the ones that haunted us, even if we swore they were gone.

Loki's deep sigh brought me out of my thoughts. He laid back in bed, closing his eyes tightly.

I laid back with him, trying to read his emotions and not succeeding very well.

"What an awful thing it is, Lienna," Loki said, undertones of pain in his voice. "To have lived a lie and never forgotten."

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, as close as he could. We're two deeply flawed individuals, and that's more comforting than anything to me right now.

If I had ended up with Thor, I would have felt the constant pressure to be the picture perfect princess and wife.

If I had been punished with Ander as a spouse, I might not have lived this long.

But I had found Loki, by some intertwining of fates, and here I was, feeling comfort in knowing that the heartbeat I heard now was just as hurt as mine was.

Loki pulled me closer. Even if everything I know now is a lie like my past, I know my love for you is the truest feeling I have ever had, Loki thought.

I didn't know love until I met you, I thought back.

××××××

The nightmare didn't surface in my sleep again. The feeling of uselessness still resonated in my bones every once and a while, but then Loki pulled me close and it disappeared.

Loki had changed greatly in the time we had. He no longer snapped at Odin to his face, and he acted diplomatically towards everyone. It scared me, seeing him so well formed. The title of God of Mischief and Lies no longer seemed to fit.

Maybe it was him maturing, or maybe he was losing his spark because Thor was gone.

Perhaps it was just us settling more into marriage, figuring out our balance. Being a married couple was still a fairly new sensation, and it came with awkward moments and passionate ones. It was wonderful, but still more work than either of us had anticipated.

He seemed more peaceful, though, so I pushed my fear aside. Peace was better than a storm and a tangled mess of lies and tricks to sort out, yet I almost preferred the latter.

Whatever it was, I couldn't completely shake my nervous thoughts. The beautiful man I had fallen in love with was ever so unpredictable, and capable of so many terrifying and great things.

××××××

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I APOLOGIZE THAT THIS IS SO LATE!!! School started for me, so I was stressed and panicked and barely finished this now, but at least I finished it.

ALSO 90,000 READS! That's insane. I never thought in a million years that I would ever get more than maybe one thousand reads and here I am, almost to one hundred thousand. I'm so grateful for every one of you, without you, I would never have come this far.

I love you all,
katiethenovelist