Whirlpool

To my missed religious faith

As a kid i was bred into religion, christianty specifically.
I was never too into it, but i forced myself to because for a while i wanted to be the star kid, i wanted to be the one people held on a pedal stool or looked at their children and thought "i want you to be this way" because i assumed that that's what life was, just a grand competition with over 7 billion people in the world.

  So with such hope in my poor young and misled heart, I went to church, I sang my heart out to songs I didn't know or like, I wore my best cleanest dresses and brushed my hair in nice styles, and behaved properly. Always making sure to say my yes and no mam, or sirs. I watched my manners and talked when spoken to, but I could never get really into it. If sunday school were a required thing for life that i had to study and pass then id likely fail, i could never remember what i needed to remember or understand what things meant because since a young age id always been a rather creative child and was never taught that sometimes it's best to shut up so i guess it makes sense that id struggle to understand when the kids would give me nasty looks for questioning the oh so fancy will of god. Or not knowing the answer to the so precious stories of our founder. When no one would play with me and i'd have to try and be nice like i was taught to make friends, and though my mind knew way better than to actually trust these people my naive led me to mistaken them for genuine people and now i'm left with trust issues and no god to pray to or hope for. These children that I had been compared to, that I had been competing with all my life, chastising me and shoving me aside but i was always taught to believe in my will and my strengths only when it was needed only to prove i was better than anyone else except... when i knew it needed to be used because for me to speak out of turn is wrong. Solely for the blood, my bones and the looks of my hair and eyes and the home that I go back to.