Whirlpool

3. Informal

Unorganized, and everywhere
         I'm so used to being told what to do. Being ordered around and constantly given a list of things I need to do. Now that I've finally got the freedom to, well, be a person I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Now  there's a woman in my life, who holds a motherly position and appreciates me daily, and does not request much from me. I feel I'm not really doing what I should. She treats me well and trusts me, she doesn't tell me to do many chores, and to me if i'm honest she doesn't ask me for any. She's a lot different than what I'm used to so I try to do as much as I can without her noticing so I don't feel half as bad. I wash my dishes after I eat, I take a long to take down my laundry in hopes I'll be able to do it myself, sometimes i'll even let my room get messy so then i can clean it myself. She tells me she doesn't mind helping or doing my laundry, she washes the dishes and takes out the trash with no help. I'm glad when she asks me for things so that I can help, it makes me feel useful.

        You see, ever since I was younger, I was always being told what to do, how to act, what to wear, or how to think. I was always being told what I was, or was supposed to be, so when it comes to making my own decisions I struggle or always look for another person's opinion. I think it shows signs of damage but I don't know what to think of it because even now I consider relapsing and going back to how I used to be. Running back to her, looking to her for guidance and submitting to anything she expected from me and pushing to exceed her expectations so then I'd make the one person I've lived my life for finally proud, but I fail to realize continuously that no matter how hard i try there will always be more. Anytime I meet the expectation or go further there will always be new expectations, there will always be another bar set. And each time it will be harder to reach them. So, now that I have the liberty to do what I want, to think how I want, to like what or who I want to, I don't know how. Multiple times now I've been told, this thing, this phrase. "Relax, you have the rest of your life, be a child"   how do i do that? I don't understand it. I honestly wish I did. I think maybe it'd be easier for me to cope, easier for me to understand the world as a whole, and this great gift called life of which we were all given. Yet even now, I'm torn between that phrase, which is like a dream, one written on paper and torn up, cut and burned to ash and this horridly gloomy world of adulthood. The gap inbetween that everyone is SUPPOSED to enjoy. What am I supposed to do here, and how am I expected to behave? What is wrong or right now?

You see, I was never told any of these things. I may have been smart once but I was left unprepared, almost seemingly jumping through lifetimes. So now that the line blurs I don't know what to think, and I'm left messy and confused. Puzzled if you'd like. I was prepared for multiplication and beginning algebra in 3rd grade but i wasn't ready to learning geometry, i wasn't prepared for any of these things, the poor girl who solely just liked to read books as an escape to this ruined broken world was lost and caught up in trouble because, "oh dear god a 1st grader should not be able to read at a fifth grade level."  and when the school contacted my mom, telling her about my mother took that and ran. She worked me day and night until the very sight of a book disgusted me, and my fingers had become crooked with the struggle of holding a pencil. My left hand forever barng the mark of my pencil, I'd long forgotten the correct way to smile as a kid, and now that I think I've gotten better I can't seem to understand why it was hard before.
I blame the books that I used to  love and still love so much, because that's what got this ball rolling, and now my legs are too tired to kick it further. Maybe now, maybe that was supposed to happen, maybe at the time it was for my best interest but then I think about the fact that I had never once learned the things needed in second grade. The good friends I had left behind with longing to  make my parents  proud, and it was never once an option. I try to recall normal things from my childhood, good memories, so I can tell stories, but when I think back all of it is hazy, solem and gloomy. Some parts are even completely unmemorable. I wish that it would be that way for the bad parts of my life. I wish I couldn't remember them or that the memories were hazed, but I remember them as clear as day and they decided to just squirm around in my mind 24/7 like a bucket of maggots.
    I highly dislike the life that I was given, but I don't exactly crave death. I just wish I understood and knew how to fix it, how to become better, more organized and understandable. Perhaps I could be normal, or even in the average or expected level at my age, because if I'm too smart it gets harder to maintain, but if I'm too slow it's worse because I have to pretend like I still care.