Whirlpool

I think im wrong

This... this one isn't about you, As selfish as it might sound this is about me This is about the pitiful stupid person i wake up to look at every morning in the mirror I find that i tend to seem confident in myself, and that i have some sort of endless ego and that i give not a shit or a fuck about anything, But I do.. You see growing up,
the phrase "fake it til you make it" had been built and hammered into my mind So now i just HAVE to be okay with everything
Because i can't expect anything from anyone because that would make me selfish, And to ask for your loyalty, and for you to see me as a holy grail compared to the many, MANY attractive people on this planet would be selfish of me and plainly unrealistic I don't see what you see in me and I know it's not just my physical appearance because I don't look like Megan fox or something. I'm a broken person and in the times I dont miss you I'm stuck with a shake in my leg trying to shake all the thoughts from my head so that I wont cry at the harsh reality that's being forced down my throat and burning like rubbing alcohol. Most of the time people tell me to just get over things anyways, so getting over anything that hurts has become less of a challenge and more of a skill, a necessity for life. Crying is just losing and showing that I'm not okay with anything is like asking for everyone to hate me. People will tell me I'm wrong, people will tell me to let go, people will tell me it's okay but I just nod my head and try my best to keep myself from faltering or showing any cracks in the smile I've perfected to fake over the years. Because in truth I know that it's all bullshit, and today, tomorrow or the next I could take my last breath, and everyone would have to move on without me, and realize I was nothing of importance in the first place. That's how it was since I was a kid. I was nothing, just an accident waiting to happen,  failure waiting to occur. Because there was always someone better than me, and I always seemed to look best in second place. I think that sometimes the people who do stick around are only here because they pity me, or have really shitty taste in people. So I do my best to take care of them until they no longer find any use for me.
Like a car, you use me repeatedly and I can get you to where you need to be and then maybe one day you see a new model, another car. That's just so much better, and now no matter how much you thought you had needed me, you'd still hand over the keys and the string of memories that go along with me for the newer, better version. "Everyone will leave you one day eventually, it's just how life is. People will leave you, and new people will come by and then they will go too in the end you will only have me"  i remember my mother tell me that for the very first time
I was 7, god... I was only seven years old.. Imagine what that was like. No, I can barely stand the sight of her, and I can't trust that anyone actually enjoys my presence. And I can't set any sort of boundary with anyone.
Yes, I am self aware of these things, and yes technically I could fix things, because everything is fixable and suddenly everything would just get better if I wasn't so.
So what,
Bitchy, lazy, unmotivated, stupid, unlikeable, unenjoyable, fat, ugly, hard to look at, hard to listen to, hard to be around.
If i wasn't any of those things perhaps maybe then i could be happier and my life wouldn't be in a hole of shit.
But i can't do that,
I cant because there's the version of me not wanting to let go
The version of me that wants to know why i got here in this hole of shit because i know that all the worse things that could've happened in my life did happen, and on most days i can't tell if i'm even going to  make it to the next morning
I don't sleep often, and eating is a chore for me, school has become 10 times harder than it should and not because i don't understand the material but because no matter what i do, the words i read don't make sense in the sentences they are put in and one minute i'm reading about history and the next i'm attempting geometry and have no idea how i got there. Even now, I don't know how I got here. On my better days, the only use I can find for myself is being used by another person like a phone or a computer. Doing what I was built for, making someone else's life easier, and doing what I'm told.
So I guess overall the only reason why I'm still breathing this god forsaken air. The only reason why I'm still forcing myself to get through each day, desperately looking for reassurance, clarity and love, is because I haven't been told to die yet. Because I'm still being charged, or the batteries in me haven't completely died yet. Maybe it's because I was told to live, the one person I hate in this world told me to live. And because not once have I been able to completely disobey them, I haven't died.  I wish i could on my worse days,
Wish she would tell me about it finally. Stop beating around the bush. Finally put the knife in my hand and tell me to get it over with,
So then at least, when I do. I'd have people to watch me die, people who knew maybe the happiest version of me and tell strangers stories about me with a smile. So that I can rest and know that the world doesn't hate me and I'm finally cared for. That at least for a while I had somewhere to run to genuinely call home without a doubt in my mind. And maybe right now that could be you.
Maybe right now i could find you where i need you to be but im to scared that ill mess it up
I tell you, ad the rest of the world i don't care and i re enforce it because i know it's what's best and i have to know that, i'm not abusing whatever power im given
Its almost like a desperate last resort to sae you from the horrid person i could be,
The person i don't even know exist because i've only been told of them from people with a sting of hatred in their voice
As harsh as this sounds
I look at you and i think to myself, how the hell you did you find anything useful in me
What made you think that being around me was fun, what made you need reassurance in me. Because one day i figure you'll grow bored, or maybe i'd freak out and suddenly decide to wreck my own life into a billion shatters because i feel like something i did hurt you
Because i forgot to warn you i might cry in front of you
And i don't want you to feel like it's all your fault,
But then i guess it might make me wrong
It might make me wrong to like being around you
It might make me wrong to like you at all
Because I'm the least human, a human can be Because I'm wrong.